kneeling/sitting and the national anthem

I have been avoiding posting here with the political climate being what it is, but on this issue I feel I need to say something. You see I have said it before and I will say it again, I believe in the Constitution...the whole Constitution and not just the parts that make me comfortable.  Again the First amendment has come to the forefront of all the hoopla surrounding athletes sitting, standing, or kneeling during the national anthem.  As I see it, the first amendment gives everyone the right to express his or her opinion on whatever it is that moves them.  In this case, the act of kneeling etc. is not to disrespect anything but rather to express the need to have meaningful conversation on the topic of racial equality.  Being an openly gay man, I understand being treated less than because of a trait that cannot change (save the nature vs. nurture argument for another post please).  The point is that there are people being disrespected every day based on the color of their skin or their religion.  This needs to stop.  The only way these celebrity athletes can get their point into the light where it can be looked at and discussed is by taking a knee during what is unquestionably one of the most patriotic events in any sports venue.  And so far it has worked, but at what cost?  Many of them have lost endorsement deals and garnered unwarranted punishment for expressing a right. 

I know that many of you feel that there are other ways to bring the issue to the forefront, but thus far using the "proper" way has done nothing to fix the problem.  Sometimes it takes a brave individual to put his livelihood on the line to say enough is enough.  Let's instead of focusing on the men "disrespecting their country" or "being unpatriotic", focus on the problem of inequality in the USA.  It is not really about just racial inequality, though that is what started the discussion.  All manner of inequality exists and needs to be corrected.  From Muslim hate crimes all the way to unarmed blacks getting killed by police to gay bashing...it all needs to stop. 

The US Constitution guarantees ALL men the rights expressed therein.  It does not say only white, Christian, patriotic, and straight Americans are protected, but everyone.  The US was built on the principle of acceptance and diversity.  We have come a long way in the last 100 years, but we still have miles to go until all men (women too!) can walk out of their homes and not feel like they will be shot, stabbed, harassed, or injured because they believe in or walk a different path than what you think is right.  We are a mixed up box of crayons that color in many different races, religions, sexual identity, orientation, and ethnic backgrounds.  Our diversity is what makes us the greatest nation ever created and is our greatest strength. 

Blessed be brothers and sisters!  We are all in this together...

Only me...

Some days I feel like I have wasted the last 20 years.  I mean, I know that I did the right thing, but sometimes I think that maybe if I had made different choices, my life would be different right now.  I can step back in time to 2008 when I first landed in Nashville, TN.  I was very optimistic about life.  I was prepared to get a good job and start living a good life.  Somewhere along the way, something happened.  My feelings changed.  I do not know whether it was my mom going back north or me starting school.  I look back and feel like I was an imposter.  I was not being me.  I was learning about myself, but I was not being true to my nature.  I felt guilty.  I felt like I had forsaken my duty and tried to take some time for me without consideration for anyone else.  In doing so, I feel like I set into motion a set of circumstances that has forever jaded me into a feeling of unworthiness and fakery. 

First, I left NH with my mom after my dad died to get a change in scenery and perhaps begin to live anew.  I got a decent temp job with a company and made some pretty ok money.  Over a short time (like 4 months), mom began to miss home and decided she was leaving.  I could not go as we had signed a lease and I had started school.  Thus begins my failure as a person.  Soon after, mom went back to NH or Maine and I tried to live alone.  For the first time in my life, the only person I needed to worry about was me.  I thought I would be ok.  I got a different job working on computers.  It was a nearly perfect situation.  I had a car, a nice apartment, a decent job, and I was ok.  Then the recession happened. 

All at once, my life crumbled.  The company I was working for started mass lay-offs, which included me, and suddenly I could do nothing.  I was still in school though and luckily qualified for work-study (which incidentally had nothing to do with what I was in school for, but it paid the bills).  Suddenly I am forced to downsize to a studio apartment, getting food assistance, and dong this work-study while trying to do something with myself.  After a little while, things settled into a steady rhythm.  I went to class, I went to work, and I tried to live a life.  I made a few friends in school.  At some point, I met Joe. 

Joe it turned out, would be the love of my life.  I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him.  He was my everything.  Suddenly nothing else mattered as long as I had Joe.  For about a year, I was happy.  Completely and totally happy.  Never in my life had I felt that content with anything.  I knew that no matter what life threw at  me, it would be ok because I had Joe.  Then mom started getting sicker.  I had to make the hardest choice of my life.  I had to leave.  Joe had all his family there in TN and he could not leave, but I had to. This was September 2011.  I finished my schooling and had to make tough decisions.  Though in retrospect, there really was no decision to make.  It was expected that I move back to my mom.  So I said goodbye to Joe and Nashville.  Since then, my life has sucked.  I since developed the deepest depression of my life and faced the hardest time I have ever endured.  Not only did I lose my Joe, but my mom died in November of 2013. 

To many, this seems like a complaint...a woe is me type of thing.  I really do not want anyone to say anything about this.  I just want it understood that what I had given up and what I have left.  There is a legitimate reason I feel the way I do.  It is not in my head and I do not have to pretend to be ok if I am not.  I am who I am and will be who I am.  If you do not like it, then do not follow me.  Do not try to tell me how to "get over it." 

I will not pretend to be ok.  I will not be someone that another person wants me to be.  I am only me. 

Alone

These days I am feeling more alone than ever.  Before I go too much further, please note that this is not a complaint, or a criticism of the folks around me.  This is about how I see myself in the scale of things.  I know that I have friends and folks that care about me, I just wonder why.  I am a very solitary individual.  To many, I would seem to be a borderline hermit.  I like my alone time, but I still need company from time to time.  That is not to say that people do not visit with me, but that when we do visit, we have very little to talk about.  I enjoy time spent with a friend, but sometimes, I need more.  I need to find people that share my passions. 

Last night, I was restless.  I was craving interpersonal connection.  I felt like I was climbing through the roof while at the same time, burrowing into my den.  I do not know where to find a person I can talk to that understands me.  I tried once to explain to a counselor what it felt like to be in my head.  I started with a picture of me.  I then added pictures of different things that evoked feeling to me and still it felt inadequate to define who I am or who I feel like I am.  I can add pictures all day and never completely define what I feel.  It is almost like I speak Simlish.  It should be understood, but for some reason, it is completely untranslatable.   I feel like I will never find someone that will understand me as I speak without having to create metaphor or speak examples to make myself clear. 

All of this being said, I do very much appreciate the people in my life right now that are enabling me to grow and understand myself.  I just feel like it is an exercise in futility.  Despite being content with who I am as a person, I really would like to connect to someone on an intimate level.  Intimate to me is not necessarily sexual, though it could include sex.  I need intelligence and wit.  I need knowledge and understanding.  I need physical intimacy interspersed with intellectual speculation.  I just do not know how to go about finding it. 

I have been hurt in my life.  I have baggage...or luggage or a trunk of shit.  It is hard for me to trust. It is hard for me to share.  I have a deep desire to share my whole being with someone, but I fear that there is no person strong enough.  I want to submit, body and soul, yet I fear that I will lose my identity.  I want to be me, but also I want to belong.  I feel like a tribe of one.  I feel like there is not another person in the world that can understand me, yet I desperately search for him.  I am losing my mind.  I am wasting away.  I am fading into obscurity...

Confused

I am just as cynical as the next guy.  I doubt 99% of what is told to me unless I see hard fact to back up the story.  What I do not get is when people are shown in black and white hard researched facts, how they can still deny the truth.  I am not saying that everything printed is a fact...not by any stretch.  I am however saying that when 1,000 people all come to the very same conclusion based on the same information, that there just might be something true there.   It is easy today to create an opinion based on flawed information.  News outlets do it all the time.  In an effort to be first to report, they often do not completely do their due diligence and research.  It is apparently much easier to apologize for a mistaken report than it is to give correct information. 

This rant is not aimed at any one individual or group.  I am just irritated.  It is very upsetting when "everybody knows" something and that particular something is impossible.  I am not the smartest person in the world, but I do know how to research.  When someone presents me with a "fact" that I am in doubt of (if I even really care), I will look it up and check several different sources both proving and disproving the "fact".  I then make up my own mind as to whether to believe it or not.  If the "fact" is not really a fact but more of an universal opinion, I will correct the person offering the fact.  I will not demean or belittle anyone based on what they truly believe, but I will inform them that their wording should change from it is a "fact" to it is an "universal opinion". 

The art of understanding and learning is about taking things that are believed and challenging them.  Putting them to the test of truth and balancing opinion with hard fact.  I believe that anyone can learn about anything they choose to.  I also urge folks to fact check before accepting anything at face value.  Just because I say that it is an elephant, does not make it so.  Do your research, learn what makes an elephant and decide for yourself if the thing I present as an elephant is indeed an elephant.  I will do the same thing and together we can learn and share what we know.  This is how the world will grow together instead of growing apart. 

I accept your opinion.  It may or may not match mine, but I respect your view.  All I ask is for you to take that same mind set, and carry it forth.  Spread it around liberally and watch the peace and harmony bloom.  It is not rocket science...

Today

Today there is a presence in my life that I cannot describe.  It almost feels like a strong expectation of something...but not even remotely defined.  Like I am waiting for an event to happen or to not happen as it were.  I feel the event is not going to be life altering, but it will affect how I feel.  There is a pressure.  A sort of heaviness to the world. I feel like I am carrying weight, but I cannot see it.  For days now, I have felt off.  Not really good, not really bad...just kind of meh.  I feel like nothing is important right now.  Stuff I should be engaged with, I cannot.  I could just as easily sleep as watch TV or read a book.  I feel undefined.  Pliable and moldable, but only to the extent I allow.  I am content, but on edge.  The term pregnant silence has form today.  It is as if there is a bubble floating around...and I am watching and waiting for it to land on something or pop.  I think it could be related to the conjunction of the Solstice and a full moon.  Again though, there is no evidence of anything awry.  Just feelings and expectation...I feel anxious about something I cannot see.  I feel expectation and anticipation, yet I see nothing impending...nothing in the horizon...but there is something. 

Those who know me, know that I am sensitive.  I feel things that most people cannot.  I sense things.  I can usually walk into a room and feel the energy of the space.  I can tell where there is something happening.  Today, I feel like the world is that room.  I can sense something preparing to come to pass.  I feel like it will be important, but not detrimental to life.  Time of course will tell what it is/was and vindicate my feelings.  Until then, I remain ambivalent and uncommitted.  As I commit these words to the aether, I cast my fortune into the void.  Let the future come as it will.  I will survive it.

Optimistically Pessimistic Post about Everything and Nothing...

Today I feel strange.  Not bad, not good...just odd.  I am feeling cautiously optimistic, yet tragically pessimistic at the same time.  There is a chasm of disparity in me.  I want to risk, yet am petrified into inactivity...I want to write, yet I fear what might come out.  I laid in my bed...just laid there...not awake, not asleep...adrift in the in-between twilight of consciousness.  I want to DO, but can't.  I want to feel...but not sure how...I want to try.  I could cry...but why?  I could also laugh...same question though, why?  Ambiguity rules me today.  I am yes and no, black and white, happy and sad, good and evil...realistic and abstract...I scream in my head...I laugh in my soul...tormented and afraid...I wait to be consumed...help me...I seek validation, yet do not care what you think...torn into a million pieces, set afire...I do not burn...I love...yet I cannot...I hate...yet I cannot...I want...yet I do not...anachronism abounds...I belong here...yet the past owns me...the future is assured...today, tomorrow and yesterday crash into one another...a blur of color and confusion...I am and cannot possibly be...I exist...but do I really? 

A Dangerous Road

This is not so much a pro-democrat blog post as much as it is an anti-Trump post.  Clearly it would be preferable to have nearly anyone in the presidency other than Trump.  The problem lies with the split in the GOP.  Earlier I mentioned Sanders having one of the 7 potential votes.  Lets assume for a second any other third party candidate taking the place of Sanders.  The same catastrophic result would occur.  Any vote against Clinton is a vote FOR Trump.  Let that sink in for a minute.  

I am not a fan of the political process any more than the next guy.  As I see it, we have 3 folks vying for the attention of the nation.  It is a very dangerous game that is being played.  For the sake of visualization, let us assume there are only 7 votes available.  Of those 7, three are republican and 4 are democrat.  In a 2 person race, this would likely be a best case scenario.  In a 3 person race, this is catastrophic.  As I see it right now, Trump has 3 votes, Clinton has 3, and Sanders has 1.  This cannot be allowed to continue.  The possibility of a Trump presidency has me terrified and I am not alone.

Let us take a look at the results of a possible Trump presidency.  In the first place, he has taken a very hard edge on (illegal or Muslim) immigration.  Playing into the worldwide anti-Muslim crusade has made Middle Eastern countries (and even some in Europe) rally against our already strained relations in the world.  (http://www.cnn.com/2015/12/11/politics/donald-trump-world-allies-turn-on-candidate/ )  He has proposed building a wall between the US and Mexico and making Mexico pay for it ( http://www.forbes.com/sites/doliaestevez/2016/05/05/the-possibility-of-donald-trump-becoming-president-alarms-mexico/#3ff569ca38c1 ) and rescinding of NAFTA which could cause monetary inflation worldwide.  Ok so now that more than half the world hates us and money is worth nothing, what else could happen?  The potential for social uprising or unrest is a very real possibility.  Many in the GOP do not like him and have gone so far as to burn their voter registration cards in defiance.  ( http://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-36205223 ) 

I am a Dem through and through.  I would vote for Sanders just as readily as Clinton in a general election.  This election is far from being a slam dunk for anyone, but it is clear that if the GOP stays divided, Trump will be President.  If the Dems stay divided, Trump will be President.  If a third party candidate comes out, Trump will be President.  The only way for us to avoid a Trump-tastrophy is getting behind the party candidate of your choice.  Take a stand and be counted.

perspective

Today I read a friend's post which was a petition to stop consumption of dog meat in Yulin, China.  After thinking about it, I decided to challenge the petition, after all, we as Americans consume millions of tons of beef annually and really what is the difference?  Before I go too much further, let me clarify that I do not advocate killing or eating dogs, cats, or any other animal (as I slowly digest that meatloaf I had for supper).  I feel like we have gone too far in judging other cultures based on our own moral compass.
If we look at animals from the viewpoint of the farmer, it is very hard to see any difference.  For centuries, animals have been raised with eating their flesh, in mind.  Cows, Pigs, sheep, goats, chickens, geese, turkeys, etc. are all farmed for their meat, even today.  Why is it so morally reprehensible for dogs and cats to be included in that menagerie?  Where is the line? 

edge of an epiphany

I am on the edge of an epiphany…I am not sure what is happening, but I feel like there is a massive change coming…like the universe is roiling and nothing is stable…things thought once unbreakable, are shattering under the strain of chaos…my reality is skewed…earthquakes, death, and change…the future is not indelible…balancing on a blade…moving ever forward, yet each step a bloody mess…pain an ever-present companion…unwelcome…a reminder that I am alive…I struggle…I fear…afraid to succeed…afraid to fail…I stand…hide my face…cover my shame…guilt rides me…why me…why not…happy sadness and sad happiness…I mourn a life…yet I live…decisions made bad…stagnant…I can’t stop…looking for my what if…I weep…it yells to me…coloring the past in shades of never…disrupting the future of potentiality…sarcastic laughter…mountains of anguish…I miss who I will be…what is now…what was…tomorrow as yesterday…I write…I bleed…I exist…I allow nothing…darkness written in the blood of time…as seconds pass years…without purpose and reason…pictures flash in my mind…impossible…chaotic and ordered…rhythmic yet dissonant…a pattern…emerging silent…skewed…icy and unfeeling…distant…dense…eating my soul…I touch nothing…unwilling I move…dragged…I grasp…I gasp…I sigh…resignation etched into acquiescence…I look for a word…I look forward…I look back…invalid…used…coexisting with…without…broken…how…naked…solitary…complicit… aching…screaming in symbols…painted with tears… imagery lost…familiar…alien…stolen…passion…understand?  I thought not…

Broken

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a post on a popular website.  The post intended to draw people (read that as men) into pure and candid conversation, without the intent of sexual consummation.  The response was tepid, as expected.  Of the 5-6 responses, three devolved into conversations about the weather, one went straight to sex talk, and another never responded after my initial response.  The question this brings to my mind is why do I do this to myself? 

I am in therapy.  Many of you that know me are already aware, but for the few that are not, there it is.  In my quest for understanding the irrational aspect of human nature, emotions, I challenge myself to put it out there, so to speak, in order to try to reach at least a friendly rapport with another human that does not live in the same house as me.  In an attempt to open a door, I put two such ads out there.  In the first ad, I mentioned several things that interested me and purposefully left out things like my age, economic situation, and emotional issues.  In the second, I included that everyone has issues and included my age (economic status is nobody’s business anyway).  As expected, I got several responses from the first ad, and not one from the second. 

My original thesis consisted of the idea that men, even platonically, were not interested in chatting with a person that had obvious issues or age.  The results support my thesis.   The guys that responded to the first ad were after three or more e-mails, given access to my blog, which has a lot of information about who I am as a person and some ideological discussions.  The result of that part of the experiment surprised me.  Even after establishing a light rapport with the people, disclosure of the issues—in this case giving access to the webpage—resulted in termination of the communication (or at least so far).  Given that the experiment is still ongoing, I do not expect any more communications from any person. 

To clarify, issues I have stem from a very dominant and homophobic father, forcing me to assume an alter ego for the sole purpose of acceptance.  Over the years, constantly covering my sexuality and “pretending” to be someone else has resulted in me not having any tolerance for hiding or pretending to be someone, I am not.  However, aware as I am, that details can be omitted without sacrificing integrity, scarring has caused me to not hold back anything in order to bring about full disclosure.  I understand that this flaw can cause me to not develop a healthy relationship in the future, while at the same time, nothing short of full disclosure will satisfy my incessant need for integrity.  Therein, lays the problem. 

Perhaps patience, persistence, and time will vindicate me.  Mayhap there is a person out there somewhere that understands that flaw (and others as well) and still wants to have at least discourse with me.  Until then, I hold my head up high and wave my broken flag in hopes that someone out there can look past the broken parts and see the intelligence within.

Suddenly sad

Thinking about places I have been, and suddenly I am feeling sad.  Sad about the changes that have happened.  Sad about people that have passed to the aether.  Sad to think about how those places will not be the same ever again. 

I just looked at my old house.  I remember the time we spent making it a home.  I miss that place and time.  I remember the parties, the cookouts, the fun carefree time spent doing nothing.  I think about the things I did and the people I have known.  I often wonder how they have done all these years.  I wish sometimes that I could go back…not to change things, but to see and smell and feel the past.  I know I can never go back.  Were I to go to the place, elements are missing…my mom, dad, siblings, Dusty, friends…

Time stands still for no man.  The world will turn, and the sun will rise and set.  All people will change to fit their current reality.  People will pass and friends will fade away. 

One Chance

I mourn it

Looking in the rearview mirror

You taunt me

Tease me with memory

A touch of life

A taste of happy

Wasted on ignorance

Used in haste

Damage done

Heart broken

Love kissed touches

Betrayed by sunsets

Lost to the ages

Given to time

One shot

Is that all?

One chance

Hermitude

I am beginning to understand why some people become hermits.  Seems like it would be very easy for me to just walk away from life and hide in a box.  Daily I feel like I am a constant disappointment to everyone in my life.  I feel the overwhelming desire to quit life…not to quit living, but to quit participating.  When my participation makes me feel unworthy and useless, why should I want to continue?  The few things that I find joy in become ammunition against me…as if happiness is something that will never be for me, just others.  Call it jealousy or call it being human, all I want to do is find my happy without anyone stepping on it.  Is that too much to ask for?

I understand isolationism is not healthy.  I also know that persistent negativity is not healthy.  Sometimes I feel like the only way to avoid negativity in my life is to disconnect from it—life that is.  I hate feeling like this.  I feel disjointed, fractured and dissonant.  Each day that I climb out of bed is a victory, especially when I feel like never getting up again.  People that claim to know me the best, have no idea the struggles I face every day.  Get over it.  Quit feeling sorry for yourself.  Get up and do something about it.  My response to this type of horseshit is, for you, a much easier thing for you to do. 

I wake up looking forward to time alone.  When everyone has gone to bed, I enjoy silence and non-diminishing activity.  Nobody says anything to me.  Nobody makes me feel like a burden.  Nobody makes me feel broken.  

I am not suicidal.  I do not think killing me will solve anything.  I want to run and hide.   I want to go somewhere that nobody knows my past or me.  I want to start over with nothing from my old life.  I want to go away and never see or hear from anyone I knew before.  I am fully aware that I can never do that.  My past weaves me into the person I am today, good and bad elements alike.  It does nothing to alleviate that desire to flee.  So for now, I stay where I am and hope desperately for a change. 

Constitutional value

I am cruising along on a popular social media site and I am seeing a large influx of anti-freedom images.  More specifically, there are images of people standing on the flag, chanting in support of ignorance with regard to NC’s new trans-phobic law, and a certain group of lawmakers refusing to do their jobs.  One may question how these things related. They are all matters of Constitutional significance.

As for the images of a person (whether they are white, black, yellow, or red) standing on the flag, I do not support their decision to do that but I respect their right to do so.  The first amendment to the Constitution protects individual expression of their beliefs.  It does not say that it only protects those who are just and upstanding citizens, demonstrating their undying patriotism.  I am not agreeing that these people should be standing on the flag, but that I agree that it is their right to do so.  You can call me un-American if you like.  That is the beauty of living in the US.  You can have your opinion, no matter how skewed I feel it is, and it is ok.   

As for the NC trans-phobic law, I feel that it violates the 14^th amendment by singling out a distinct set of individuals and setting them aside, opening them up for not only embarrassment for bringing to light that they pee just like you, but also for making them feel like they are violating their instinct.  I would like to see businesses making unisex restrooms in public places.  We as Americans have a difficult time letting go of our puritan roots.  This is the 21^st century folks.  What are we going to do when ET visits...show them how we discriminate and segregate our population based on how they pee?  Sounds ridiculous does it not.  Yes, bathrooms have long been the fodder of sexual predators.  In my own experience, I have seen my share of public restroom sex.  Changing the gender of the participants will not likely do anything to increase or decrease this activity.  Honestly, these people just want to pee in a comfortable environment.

As for the lawmakers, where do I begin?  I guess I begin with regard to the latest obstructionism…Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution provides that the president "shall nominate, and by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, shall appoint ... judges of the Supreme Court."  The president has done his part.  The Senate needs to do their job and hear the nomination and either confirm or deny the nomination.  By refusing to hear the nomination, they are blatantly shredding the Constitution by conveniently discarding 250 years of precedent and obstructing the president as it has the entire last 7 years.  The job of the senate is to make laws.  The job of the Supreme Court is to interpret those laws.  Nearly every challenge brought against the policies of the president resulted in a constitutionally sound verdict.  You people lost.  Let it go already. 

The US Constitution is the single greatest document ever created in the history of the world.  It is the basis of the establishment of freedom for the United States and all of its parts.  The many amendments account for the changing views of the populace, and even having been re-amended to remove certain amendments.  The flexibility of the document is its greatest strength. 

All of these items are just my opinion based on the information I have available to me today.  By no means am I being disrespectful to any group or organization. 

Love is love

Today there is an unprecedented amount of gay themed music out there.  Seems like every other day I am discovering yet another musician that I love…but there is one problem.  The overwhelming theme is that of covert trysts and secret longing.  Yes, this is a great time to be alive and gay…but is this really the message we want to sell, that to be gay means secretly longing for your best friend or meeting after dark so nobody sees? 

It is true that gay men sometimes fall in love with someone that will never return that affection.  It is also true that straight men will fall for a woman the same way.  Where I have a problem is that in the majority of cases, the woman, even if uninterested, will express thanks and be made to feel special.  The gay guy is more likely to end up beaten black and blue or yelled at and demeaned, at least, for expressing the same thing. 

I live for the day when my relationship does not carry the label, different or perverted.  I live for the time when I can walk hand in hand with the man I love and have no fear of being beaten.  One might think that we live in that world…that sexuality is what it is.  We do not yet exist in that world.  Sex and sexuality are still subjects that are taboo.  Humanity is making progress in that direction, but still has miles to go. 

I never understood the same but less theory of existing.  There are many instances of this in history, all met with equal failure.  That for a reason of biology I am less.  Be it skin color, disability, sexuality, gender, hair color, eye color…that someone is less of a person is ludicrous.  That my love for a man cannot create life, it is invalid…is just as ludicrous. 

Love is love. 

All love needs respect.

All people deserve the opportunity to love and to have that love returned. 

A Subjective Quantitative Study of a Qualitative Concept

Most of my life I have had a hard time explaining concepts.  Usually I try to find something that the person might understand an add imagery to make it closer to what I am trying to explain.  Often times it is a complete failure.  Either the person stubbornly refuses to understand what is being explained, or there is no frame of reference with which to build the compendium of images.  In both cases, the level of frustration for the speaker (explainer) is palpable.  I am an odd person.  I am definitely not in the majority of people that understand the simple (majorly complex) realm of emotion.  Or rather, how emotion is related to everything we do. 

It has taken me years and lots of therapy to get to the point of understanding what I do, and I have miles to go.  Emotion (display of and propriety of) has always been difficult for me.  I have never been able to express the proper emotive response without either prompting or learning.  To be more precise, I know to be sad at a funeral (it is convention) despite my own lack of sadness.  It is only natural to die, so why should I mourn the death of a 94-year-old woman?  Because it is polite to do so…that is why.  Intellectually, I am aware of this concept, though again, I do not understand why I should mourn.  

I have had emotions.  I have even had real live legitimate on the spot emotions.  I did not understand why I had that particular reaction to that particular situation.  It has always eluded me.  I have always been a quantitative person.  I have always the need to see a representation in order to understand (but more so with regard to emotions/emotional response).  I like to take things apart that do not work (and even a few that did) to see why something (did not) work (-ed).  I figure, at this point, that there is a mathematical formula somewhere explaining it all, so until discovery or disclosure, I have my own theory to share. 

I am going to attempt to explain quantitatively, the qualitative concept of relationship.  I know that the study of human interaction with environment is anthropology and I know the study of the human psyche is psychology.  I will use mathematical concepts to validate and clarify my position.  First, I want to define the term that I will use and its context.  Standard deviation refers to the mathematics of averaging and is the basis of this discussion.  The bell curve predicts that a standard sample will fall into a range to either one side or the other, based on their average.  In other words, from the middle being the average, a certain percentage will fall into the average range, +/- a certain percent.  The next ranges are mostly to one side, but not all the way to one side or the other.  The last positions are for the polar opposites.  The visual depiction of this concept is usually that of a bell, thin on both ends, and building to a curved peak.  Another way to think of it is that a thing will happen (+++), could happen (++-), might happen (+/-), probably will not happen (+--) or will not happen (---). 

This theory can apply to every aspect of life and this is how.  Throughout our lives, generally speaking, we learn to behave in or believe a particular way.  As an example, general convention is that all fire trucks are red and the sky is blue, though both of those also have a deviation.  Fire trucks are typically one of two colors, red and yellow, and the sky can vary in color from white all the way to deep purple.  If you think of the standard, red for fire trucks, and blue for the sky, you can think of anything that is not typical as the deviation.  A yellow fire truck is not typical, but not unheard of either.  We learn that fire trucks are red and that the sky is blue.  Growing up we learn standards of behavior the same way.  We learn that it is not proper to laugh at a funeral.  We learn from not only our parents, but also our peers, the media, role models, and others.  We cope with daily bombardment of information that corrals us into behaving a certain way or reacting a certain way to stimuli. Most of the time the information we learn is accurate (we cry at funerals), but sometimes, the information is subjectively applied (we laugh at the bullied).  I want to call this conditioning because it makes sense though it is more complex than that.  As humans, we tend to apply past information to current situations.  As kids, we laughed at passing gas, but as adults, we tend to ignore it, similar to the Japanese concept of being observed, but not seen, as it is impolite to bring attention to something that may or may not be in their control.  We compare past situations to current events and decide if we reacted right the last time, if we want to react the same way to this situation, or even if this event is the same as any event in our experience.  Sometimes, we have to decide to react without having any frame of reference at all. 

I am not sure whether the issue is with the convention, or the idea that I cannot react in any way that I feel is appropriate.  Perhaps I am exhibiting a bit of the defiance that I never had the courage to express as a teen.  In any case, I am learning that just because a thousand calls a potato a spud, does not invalidate their belief, as a spud is also a potato.  Potato would be the average, and spud, tater, and any other euphemism for it is the deviation.  Most people learn this from an early age, but I did not. 

As a gay person in the 1970’s and 1980’s it was taboo to be anything not heterosexual.  As a result, I had to pretend to be someone I was not in order to fit the subjective norm and now find it difficult to differentiate between polite acquiescence and genuine correct behavior.  The result is the same, but the method of delivery is an issue.  Today, if I do not feel sadness, I find it difficult to express sadness though I can understand why a person would be sad (by convention or example).  Many people get offended that I am not crying with them instead of wondering where the coffee is.  This is where the issue is.  I know what the convention is, but I do not like pretending.  I know I should try to feel X emotion, but without a frame of reference, I feel it would not be a genuine inflection.  I am slowly realizing that my reactions are not unheard of, just outside the standard deviation, and that is okay. 

I have been battling this way most of my adult life.  The feelings of not being genuine contrasted by social convention has made me introverted and socially awkward.  I feel like unless I divulge every bit of my fault, it will not be good enough for me and as a result, have a difficult time making and keeping friends.  Who wants a lunatic for a friend?  Having a romantic relationship has become a virtual never because I am not willing to compromise my integrity for another person’s emotion.  I will not pretend to be anything for a person to like me, either they do or they do not based on the real unadulterated unfiltered me. 

As a society, we have become so adept at pandering to the masses that we forget what is real and true.  I refuse to cater to the will of the masses.  I am my own person with my own experiences, wants and desires.  I am me…and that is okay.