Hermitude

I am beginning to understand why some people become hermits.  Seems like it would be very easy for me to just walk away from life and hide in a box.  Daily I feel like I am a constant disappointment to everyone in my life.  I feel the overwhelming desire to quit life…not to quit living, but to quit participating.  When my participation makes me feel unworthy and useless, why should I want to continue?  The few things that I find joy in become ammunition against me…as if happiness is something that will never be for me, just others.  Call it jealousy or call it being human, all I want to do is find my happy without anyone stepping on it.  Is that too much to ask for?

I understand isolationism is not healthy.  I also know that persistent negativity is not healthy.  Sometimes I feel like the only way to avoid negativity in my life is to disconnect from it—life that is.  I hate feeling like this.  I feel disjointed, fractured and dissonant.  Each day that I climb out of bed is a victory, especially when I feel like never getting up again.  People that claim to know me the best, have no idea the struggles I face every day.  Get over it.  Quit feeling sorry for yourself.  Get up and do something about it.  My response to this type of horseshit is, for you, a much easier thing for you to do. 

I wake up looking forward to time alone.  When everyone has gone to bed, I enjoy silence and non-diminishing activity.  Nobody says anything to me.  Nobody makes me feel like a burden.  Nobody makes me feel broken.  

I am not suicidal.  I do not think killing me will solve anything.  I want to run and hide.   I want to go somewhere that nobody knows my past or me.  I want to start over with nothing from my old life.  I want to go away and never see or hear from anyone I knew before.  I am fully aware that I can never do that.  My past weaves me into the person I am today, good and bad elements alike.  It does nothing to alleviate that desire to flee.  So for now, I stay where I am and hope desperately for a change. 

Constitutional value

I am cruising along on a popular social media site and I am seeing a large influx of anti-freedom images.  More specifically, there are images of people standing on the flag, chanting in support of ignorance with regard to NC’s new trans-phobic law, and a certain group of lawmakers refusing to do their jobs.  One may question how these things related. They are all matters of Constitutional significance.

As for the images of a person (whether they are white, black, yellow, or red) standing on the flag, I do not support their decision to do that but I respect their right to do so.  The first amendment to the Constitution protects individual expression of their beliefs.  It does not say that it only protects those who are just and upstanding citizens, demonstrating their undying patriotism.  I am not agreeing that these people should be standing on the flag, but that I agree that it is their right to do so.  You can call me un-American if you like.  That is the beauty of living in the US.  You can have your opinion, no matter how skewed I feel it is, and it is ok.   

As for the NC trans-phobic law, I feel that it violates the 14^th amendment by singling out a distinct set of individuals and setting them aside, opening them up for not only embarrassment for bringing to light that they pee just like you, but also for making them feel like they are violating their instinct.  I would like to see businesses making unisex restrooms in public places.  We as Americans have a difficult time letting go of our puritan roots.  This is the 21^st century folks.  What are we going to do when ET visits...show them how we discriminate and segregate our population based on how they pee?  Sounds ridiculous does it not.  Yes, bathrooms have long been the fodder of sexual predators.  In my own experience, I have seen my share of public restroom sex.  Changing the gender of the participants will not likely do anything to increase or decrease this activity.  Honestly, these people just want to pee in a comfortable environment.

As for the lawmakers, where do I begin?  I guess I begin with regard to the latest obstructionism…Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution provides that the president "shall nominate, and by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, shall appoint ... judges of the Supreme Court."  The president has done his part.  The Senate needs to do their job and hear the nomination and either confirm or deny the nomination.  By refusing to hear the nomination, they are blatantly shredding the Constitution by conveniently discarding 250 years of precedent and obstructing the president as it has the entire last 7 years.  The job of the senate is to make laws.  The job of the Supreme Court is to interpret those laws.  Nearly every challenge brought against the policies of the president resulted in a constitutionally sound verdict.  You people lost.  Let it go already. 

The US Constitution is the single greatest document ever created in the history of the world.  It is the basis of the establishment of freedom for the United States and all of its parts.  The many amendments account for the changing views of the populace, and even having been re-amended to remove certain amendments.  The flexibility of the document is its greatest strength. 

All of these items are just my opinion based on the information I have available to me today.  By no means am I being disrespectful to any group or organization. 

Love is love

Today there is an unprecedented amount of gay themed music out there.  Seems like every other day I am discovering yet another musician that I love…but there is one problem.  The overwhelming theme is that of covert trysts and secret longing.  Yes, this is a great time to be alive and gay…but is this really the message we want to sell, that to be gay means secretly longing for your best friend or meeting after dark so nobody sees? 

It is true that gay men sometimes fall in love with someone that will never return that affection.  It is also true that straight men will fall for a woman the same way.  Where I have a problem is that in the majority of cases, the woman, even if uninterested, will express thanks and be made to feel special.  The gay guy is more likely to end up beaten black and blue or yelled at and demeaned, at least, for expressing the same thing. 

I live for the day when my relationship does not carry the label, different or perverted.  I live for the time when I can walk hand in hand with the man I love and have no fear of being beaten.  One might think that we live in that world…that sexuality is what it is.  We do not yet exist in that world.  Sex and sexuality are still subjects that are taboo.  Humanity is making progress in that direction, but still has miles to go. 

I never understood the same but less theory of existing.  There are many instances of this in history, all met with equal failure.  That for a reason of biology I am less.  Be it skin color, disability, sexuality, gender, hair color, eye color…that someone is less of a person is ludicrous.  That my love for a man cannot create life, it is invalid…is just as ludicrous. 

Love is love. 

All love needs respect.

All people deserve the opportunity to love and to have that love returned. 

A Subjective Quantitative Study of a Qualitative Concept

Most of my life I have had a hard time explaining concepts.  Usually I try to find something that the person might understand an add imagery to make it closer to what I am trying to explain.  Often times it is a complete failure.  Either the person stubbornly refuses to understand what is being explained, or there is no frame of reference with which to build the compendium of images.  In both cases, the level of frustration for the speaker (explainer) is palpable.  I am an odd person.  I am definitely not in the majority of people that understand the simple (majorly complex) realm of emotion.  Or rather, how emotion is related to everything we do. 

It has taken me years and lots of therapy to get to the point of understanding what I do, and I have miles to go.  Emotion (display of and propriety of) has always been difficult for me.  I have never been able to express the proper emotive response without either prompting or learning.  To be more precise, I know to be sad at a funeral (it is convention) despite my own lack of sadness.  It is only natural to die, so why should I mourn the death of a 94-year-old woman?  Because it is polite to do so…that is why.  Intellectually, I am aware of this concept, though again, I do not understand why I should mourn.  

I have had emotions.  I have even had real live legitimate on the spot emotions.  I did not understand why I had that particular reaction to that particular situation.  It has always eluded me.  I have always been a quantitative person.  I have always the need to see a representation in order to understand (but more so with regard to emotions/emotional response).  I like to take things apart that do not work (and even a few that did) to see why something (did not) work (-ed).  I figure, at this point, that there is a mathematical formula somewhere explaining it all, so until discovery or disclosure, I have my own theory to share. 

I am going to attempt to explain quantitatively, the qualitative concept of relationship.  I know that the study of human interaction with environment is anthropology and I know the study of the human psyche is psychology.  I will use mathematical concepts to validate and clarify my position.  First, I want to define the term that I will use and its context.  Standard deviation refers to the mathematics of averaging and is the basis of this discussion.  The bell curve predicts that a standard sample will fall into a range to either one side or the other, based on their average.  In other words, from the middle being the average, a certain percentage will fall into the average range, +/- a certain percent.  The next ranges are mostly to one side, but not all the way to one side or the other.  The last positions are for the polar opposites.  The visual depiction of this concept is usually that of a bell, thin on both ends, and building to a curved peak.  Another way to think of it is that a thing will happen (+++), could happen (++-), might happen (+/-), probably will not happen (+--) or will not happen (---). 

This theory can apply to every aspect of life and this is how.  Throughout our lives, generally speaking, we learn to behave in or believe a particular way.  As an example, general convention is that all fire trucks are red and the sky is blue, though both of those also have a deviation.  Fire trucks are typically one of two colors, red and yellow, and the sky can vary in color from white all the way to deep purple.  If you think of the standard, red for fire trucks, and blue for the sky, you can think of anything that is not typical as the deviation.  A yellow fire truck is not typical, but not unheard of either.  We learn that fire trucks are red and that the sky is blue.  Growing up we learn standards of behavior the same way.  We learn that it is not proper to laugh at a funeral.  We learn from not only our parents, but also our peers, the media, role models, and others.  We cope with daily bombardment of information that corrals us into behaving a certain way or reacting a certain way to stimuli. Most of the time the information we learn is accurate (we cry at funerals), but sometimes, the information is subjectively applied (we laugh at the bullied).  I want to call this conditioning because it makes sense though it is more complex than that.  As humans, we tend to apply past information to current situations.  As kids, we laughed at passing gas, but as adults, we tend to ignore it, similar to the Japanese concept of being observed, but not seen, as it is impolite to bring attention to something that may or may not be in their control.  We compare past situations to current events and decide if we reacted right the last time, if we want to react the same way to this situation, or even if this event is the same as any event in our experience.  Sometimes, we have to decide to react without having any frame of reference at all. 

I am not sure whether the issue is with the convention, or the idea that I cannot react in any way that I feel is appropriate.  Perhaps I am exhibiting a bit of the defiance that I never had the courage to express as a teen.  In any case, I am learning that just because a thousand calls a potato a spud, does not invalidate their belief, as a spud is also a potato.  Potato would be the average, and spud, tater, and any other euphemism for it is the deviation.  Most people learn this from an early age, but I did not. 

As a gay person in the 1970’s and 1980’s it was taboo to be anything not heterosexual.  As a result, I had to pretend to be someone I was not in order to fit the subjective norm and now find it difficult to differentiate between polite acquiescence and genuine correct behavior.  The result is the same, but the method of delivery is an issue.  Today, if I do not feel sadness, I find it difficult to express sadness though I can understand why a person would be sad (by convention or example).  Many people get offended that I am not crying with them instead of wondering where the coffee is.  This is where the issue is.  I know what the convention is, but I do not like pretending.  I know I should try to feel X emotion, but without a frame of reference, I feel it would not be a genuine inflection.  I am slowly realizing that my reactions are not unheard of, just outside the standard deviation, and that is okay. 

I have been battling this way most of my adult life.  The feelings of not being genuine contrasted by social convention has made me introverted and socially awkward.  I feel like unless I divulge every bit of my fault, it will not be good enough for me and as a result, have a difficult time making and keeping friends.  Who wants a lunatic for a friend?  Having a romantic relationship has become a virtual never because I am not willing to compromise my integrity for another person’s emotion.  I will not pretend to be anything for a person to like me, either they do or they do not based on the real unadulterated unfiltered me. 

As a society, we have become so adept at pandering to the masses that we forget what is real and true.  I refuse to cater to the will of the masses.  I am my own person with my own experiences, wants and desires.  I am me…and that is okay.