Alone

These days I am feeling more alone than ever.  Before I go too much further, please note that this is not a complaint, or a criticism of the folks around me.  This is about how I see myself in the scale of things.  I know that I have friends and folks that care about me, I just wonder why.  I am a very solitary individual.  To many, I would seem to be a borderline hermit.  I like my alone time, but I still need company from time to time.  That is not to say that people do not visit with me, but that when we do visit, we have very little to talk about.  I enjoy time spent with a friend, but sometimes, I need more.  I need to find people that share my passions. 

Last night, I was restless.  I was craving interpersonal connection.  I felt like I was climbing through the roof while at the same time, burrowing into my den.  I do not know where to find a person I can talk to that understands me.  I tried once to explain to a counselor what it felt like to be in my head.  I started with a picture of me.  I then added pictures of different things that evoked feeling to me and still it felt inadequate to define who I am or who I feel like I am.  I can add pictures all day and never completely define what I feel.  It is almost like I speak Simlish.  It should be understood, but for some reason, it is completely untranslatable.   I feel like I will never find someone that will understand me as I speak without having to create metaphor or speak examples to make myself clear. 

All of this being said, I do very much appreciate the people in my life right now that are enabling me to grow and understand myself.  I just feel like it is an exercise in futility.  Despite being content with who I am as a person, I really would like to connect to someone on an intimate level.  Intimate to me is not necessarily sexual, though it could include sex.  I need intelligence and wit.  I need knowledge and understanding.  I need physical intimacy interspersed with intellectual speculation.  I just do not know how to go about finding it. 

I have been hurt in my life.  I have baggage...or luggage or a trunk of shit.  It is hard for me to trust. It is hard for me to share.  I have a deep desire to share my whole being with someone, but I fear that there is no person strong enough.  I want to submit, body and soul, yet I fear that I will lose my identity.  I want to be me, but also I want to belong.  I feel like a tribe of one.  I feel like there is not another person in the world that can understand me, yet I desperately search for him.  I am losing my mind.  I am wasting away.  I am fading into obscurity...