Realization

There comes a time in a man's life when he must accept that the time for love has passed.  That is not to say that I need to give up...not at all...just that I should not expect miracles.  I keep getting myself into situations where the other guy is much younger than me and he really digs me...but then our age difference comes out in odd ways...he likes to smoke a bit...I don't...he likes to stay up all night...I can't...he likes hard music...I like top 40/80's...the reason I guess that i keep falling into this trap is that younger guys have more in common with me than guys my own age...I have learned over time that 40+ guys tend to be glued to the grind...seems that they have lost their will for adventure and new things...they rarely have any interest in computers (this is a must as I am a major technocrat)...I need my games and my assortment of devices...I do not do this to fit in (or not as it were)...it is a real genuine interest...there is nothing that I like more than to wipe a computer and install Linux/Hackintosh or some other random operating system just to see if I can...when I get tired of it, I tend to my Macs...but as a result, I am finding myself in the middle somewhere...too old for the guys that I share some commonality with and too young (minded anyway) for the guys my age...so what do I do??  I don't exactly live in the most populated place in the state...if i were a skunk, moose, deer, or any other northeastern animal, I would be all set...

This how I come to the conclusion that  just need to forget about trying to meet anyone...it is pointless...the last time I let my heart control, I got hurt in a bad way...the boy loved me and I genuinely loved him...but he could not allow himself to be seen loving me...so, it ended...and my heart broke...I was a mess for literally a year...had no desire for anyone or anything...cried for him on a regular basis...I used to stalk him on Facebook just to see that he was ok...and then I would get depressed because he was and I was not...Eventually the emotion chilled and I could again listen to Adele without blubbering every time I heard her play...and then I lost my mom...begin round 2 of my emotional demise...she was my saviour and champion...she was the one I could tell anything and never get judged for it...even if she thought it was wrong...she was the reason I had for getting out of bed some days...then she died and left me alone...for a while I was bereft of emotion at all...more computer than man...I could not feel anything...oh I could be melancholy and moody...but never could close the deal...think of like sneezing...I could get the AH just fine, but never the CHOO...then I started coming out of my shell and started liking this other guy...of course he was also way too young for me...but that never stopped me before...he liked me as well from what I could tell...then somewhere things went wonky...I am not going to blame the whole failure on him...but I will say that if he would have asked me to come with him to the moon, I would have gone...but he did not...instead he kept comparing himself to the other boy...anyway...over time, he seemed to drift away and me being who I am, I did nothing to stop it...Oh I felt pain...just not as deeply...I am still mourning my mom and learning how to CHOO...

So yeah...here I am...alone in my room...like I always am...wondering how to get fulfillment in my life...wondering how to get happy...wondering how to love again...or if I even can take it again...so for now, I am closing up shop...no more emotions and no more feelings...going to put them all away and pretend that I am completely fulfilled with my computers and my games...

How free is freedom??

I have been reading a post on Facebook today that has gotten me to thinking and to be honest, it made me quite upset...seems that there is a group in NYC (could literally be anywhere in the US though) of Muslim folks that had a parade to celebrate their heritage...folks have gone off the deep end over this event calling for "the pigs" to be sent home..."beheaded"..."hung"...and many other different but same ways to die or be deported along with calls to deport POTUS as well...

Now, I am an American citizen...I was born here and I love my country and our Constitution and the freedoms that it gives me...the same it gives all of those hurtful people on FB to say what they said with impunity...what I have a problem with is that these same folks who are utilizing their constitutional right to free speech to say what they feel about this event, are trying to strip the Muslim folk of their constitutional rights to freedom of religion, free speech, and freedom of assembly...think about it for a second...please feel free to substitute any group in the world...Westboro Baptist Church...the Church of LDS...the Republicans...Democrats...Gays...Blacks...Jews...and everybody would be up in arms about violating the constitutional rights of X group to express themselves...we cannot stand on the Constitution, use the freedoms that it guarantees to try to restrict or remove another group's rights because they go against what you believe...I am almost ashamed to be called an American with all of that nonsense...sure I don't believe in Allah, God, Jesus, Jehovah or whatever you name your god...I believe in treating others as I wish to be treated...allowing others the same liberties that the Constitution guarantees me...

Please do not get me wrong...I am not for any group that is controlled by fanaticism at all...in any way...I also do not agree with religion of any kind, bigotry, racism, sexism, or any other kind of -ism out there but I do respect your RIGHT to express your views on them...

The United Sates was built on the immigration of foreign folks...on the backs of immigrants, our nation was built...our industry, our farming, our cities...

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” 

from the Statue of Liberty

 If it was good enough for them, it is good enough for me...

Out of my mind

Have you ever just had one of those days when you should never have opened your eyes?  When the passive aggressive behaviour gets so thick that you find it hard to see anything to be positive about except that bedtime is coming and thank god for doors??  I am so tired of feeling like crap, feeling like a visitor, and feeling like nothing that I might want matters...there are some days when I find it hard to WANT to climb out of bed...I go to sleep usually at around 3am...why?  because the only peace I can get is when everyone in the house is asleep or in their space for the night...I try so hard to keep the peace and to do things to make life easier for all and I never get recognition for any of it...the only thing I ever get recognized for is the one thing I DID NOT do...I am very nearly ready to walk away from all of it and find a new place to exist...existence is easy...living is hard...I really could care less about anything in my life right now...and existing in the constant negativity and passive aggressive atmosphere is killing me and my spirit...I used to think that I could do anything...now I don't even know why I ever thought I could or would even bother...it will not matter...not to me or anyone that I know...If you see me around...ignore me...I don't exist or matter....not to anyone...

dividing by zero

I am amazed by the folks around me that think that I am amazing.  People say things like "I wish I had 1/3 of your intelligence" or "you are so smart"...I don't see it...all I am is a person that likes to learn new things and am actually quite adept at it...there is really nothing special about that...on a daily basis, I find myself doing something that in retrospect, is highly stupid and I laugh out loud about it.  I have friends all over the country that will not allow anyone to work on their computer but me...keep in mind, some of these folks live 2,000 miles away...yet somehow, I always amaze them at how fast I knew what he issue was or how fast I discovered the problem, fixing it with a couple clicks of the mouse...I don't see that as amazing...any tech person worth their education can do it just as quickly and easily as me, yet I am the one they call...I wonder how much of it is my intelligence or learning...perhaps it could be the way that I try to make folks understand what I am doing and why it should be done...as an intellectual elitist (yes, I am aware, that comment will upset some folks), I have had many years experience trying to explain difficult and sometimes abstract concepts to people that have a hard time visualizing a cube without pen, paper, or an artifact to hold in their hand...my mom used to tell me that her friends all appreciated that I could explain anything without making them feel stupid...I continually spend time learning and researching things and have an ability to visualize relationships or how things relate to each other and the concept I am trying to explain...perhaps I just know how to treat a person like a person and have respect for others abilities...I am no genius (ok, so I might be), but I do realize that every person has a different set of experiences and knowledge...one might be a whiz at weaving or origami or any number of things that I wish I knew how to do...I guess it just comes down to respecting folks...I appreciate it when folks respect my knowledge and I will always return the favor...so maybe I am not dividing by zero after all...