Hermitude

I am beginning to understand why some people become hermits.  Seems like it would be very easy for me to just walk away from life and hide in a box.  Daily I feel like I am a constant disappointment to everyone in my life.  I feel the overwhelming desire to quit life…not to quit living, but to quit participating.  When my participation makes me feel unworthy and useless, why should I want to continue?  The few things that I find joy in become ammunition against me…as if happiness is something that will never be for me, just others.  Call it jealousy or call it being human, all I want to do is find my happy without anyone stepping on it.  Is that too much to ask for?

I understand isolationism is not healthy.  I also know that persistent negativity is not healthy.  Sometimes I feel like the only way to avoid negativity in my life is to disconnect from it—life that is.  I hate feeling like this.  I feel disjointed, fractured and dissonant.  Each day that I climb out of bed is a victory, especially when I feel like never getting up again.  People that claim to know me the best, have no idea the struggles I face every day.  Get over it.  Quit feeling sorry for yourself.  Get up and do something about it.  My response to this type of horseshit is, for you, a much easier thing for you to do. 

I wake up looking forward to time alone.  When everyone has gone to bed, I enjoy silence and non-diminishing activity.  Nobody says anything to me.  Nobody makes me feel like a burden.  Nobody makes me feel broken.  

I am not suicidal.  I do not think killing me will solve anything.  I want to run and hide.   I want to go somewhere that nobody knows my past or me.  I want to start over with nothing from my old life.  I want to go away and never see or hear from anyone I knew before.  I am fully aware that I can never do that.  My past weaves me into the person I am today, good and bad elements alike.  It does nothing to alleviate that desire to flee.  So for now, I stay where I am and hope desperately for a change.