Not Fair!

Why is it that the guys that I have cared about have moved on and into other relationships, while I am still alone and lonely?? 

I am a sweet guy...I have above average intelligence, a wide range of interests, a decent handle on tech, and I know my way around the bedroom.  So what is it that makes guys walk all over me then walk out?  Some of the excuses were wild...one guy was mad because I would not use him...his words...for things...apparently all of his other relationships were based on what he could provide...another told me I could never give him kids...and yet another thought he was in love with me, then got hooked up with a girl...and another though he loved me, but not as much as I loved him so he figured it was not fair to me...since when is it ok for other people to tell me what I want or how I want it?  I give because I want to...I share because I know what it is like to be isolated...I touch because I know what it is like to not be touched...

All I really want is someone that will be honest with me...that's it...if you don't feel it, don't say it today then walk away next week...I am not a mind reader...how can I know what you want unless you tell me?  I have intelligence...that does not mean I am psychic or can see the future...I have been told that I lack common sense when it comes to emotions...I don't take hints...I tend to see things in a larger image than most folks...that does not mean I don't care about small issues, but that I don't see them most of the time...just because I did not notice your haircut, does not mean I quit caring about you...just that I have other things on my mind and feel that it is your head, wear your hair like you like to, not for my preference.  I will love you regardless...

I guess I need to make out a character sheet with all my likes, dislikes, good points, and bad so that I can explain things from the beginning...before I invest my time into you or yours into me...

Sometimes I think Sheldon has it right when it comes to relationships...get it all written down and acknowledged before hand, so that if any questions arise in the future, I can point to our "friendship agreement" or "relationship agreement" so that there is no mistake.  Other times I envy people that wear their feelings...I cannot do that...I don't know how...all I know to to is write it down and try to explain why I seem cold and despondent about  this thing that means the world to you...it's not that I don't care...just that I don't know how I am supposed to feel about it or I really don't understand your excitement...am I really that different than everyone else??

Something is bothering me...

Over the last 40 years, I have found myself looking in the rearview mirror and wondering if it was all worth the sacrifice.  I gave up jobs, friends, boyfriends, and happiness to care for others in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I would not do it any differently were I given a do-over, but I can't help but wonder what my life would be like were I to have not given up these things and allowed myself to have a normal life.  Something tells me that it would not have been like I think, but rather it would make me a different person. 

I see people, every day, complaining about work, the bills, the car note, and their spouse.  They work so hard for things that really do not mean a thing.  Let me explain...Let's say "Bob" is married to "Susan" and has 2 kids...one each, boy and girl...Bob gets up at 4AM to get ready for work.  His wife also gets up at that time, because she too has to work.  Because they both work, they have to have 2 cars.  Their kids are not old enough for school yet, so, moms pay goes almost completely to child care.  Dad has to work 2 jobs just to earn enough to make the bills and have a little for saving.  Because the world is as it is, the cost of everything is rising faster than the income levels.  As a result, Dad will likely die young...50-65...of either a heart attack, or cirrhosis from alcoholism.  You see, he gets up so early and works so late, he has to have something to relax him enough to sleep.  If he is fortunate enough...most are not...to have a job that offers vacation, then he will have 2 weeks a year to get to know his kids enough to remember their names. 

I do not see the draw.  I mean, I believe folks should work for what they have, but not like this.  I know this is going to sound odd coming from me, but, I think that we should resort to the barter system.  It would work like this...there would be no money...debts would be goods or services owed to a local person for a good or service that you need.  For example, the pig farmer only grows pigs.  The vegetable farmer grows only vegetables.  So, the pig farmer would supply pork the the vegetable farmer and vice versa.  Everyone would have what they need to live, yet be able to feed their family and have relationships with them.  Sure, in the global economy it would have to be tweaked a bit.  But even then, it could be done.  People would get up in the morning and begin crafting something while teaching the kids to carry on after.  It would be a self sustaining society.  Arts and crafts would make a come back as everyone likes pretties in their life, whether is is a song, poem, sonnet, painting, or table.  Everything would have value.  Sure some folks would try to value their good or service higher than the others...it is human nature...but even human nature can be taught.   After a time, money would be forgotten and would hold no weight. 

Realistically, I know that will not happen for quite a while...unless there is an apocalypse...then who knows...until then, I will keep looking for things to change, and hope that mankind does not greed itself to death...

Not Sure

Today, I am irritated.  People talk AT me and wonder why I snap.  I am not so overly sensitive that I cannot have a conversation, yet invariably, when I do, I get irritated.  Some folk say that I never answer when talked AT...my response?  I did not know you were talking to me or I am thinking...see unlike many people today, I like to think about what I want to say, before I say something wrong or hurtful.  Yet it is always my fault when things go wonky.  I do not like to argue.  Simple.  I choose to not say anything and keep being annoyed inside, to prevent me from hurting someone's feelings because "I don't understand why you are upset."  I guess my priorities are different.  If I do not want to do X, I think about the argument that will come if I don't go...so I go and say nothing.  After a while, I want to be alone and think my way past the annoyance...then it becomes me being anti-social...and yet another argument.  So instead of me saying, No I do not want to do X, avoiding the annoyance, I instead go, get annoyed, want to be alone to decompress, and cause the very argument I was trying to avoid in the first place and on top of it all, I have my annoyance to boot. 

I know why I do it, just not how to make others around me aware of why I do it.  I hate owing anybody anything.  I have always been sufficient to meet my needs.  Now, I am not.  And I hate it.  So, out of a feeling of obligation, I feel like I have to go along with X, to avoid hurting anyone's feelings and feeling like I am ungrateful if I don't.  My patience is growing thin with this.  There are some days I just want to leave, not say a word to anyone, and just disappear.  Would it solve my problem?  Nope.  But I would have my dignity back.  I am feeling more obligated every day.  In turn, I am also feeling more ungrateful...which annoys me.  So no matter what I do, I am going to be annoyed.  I guess I will see what happens and hope I can make it past it without cracking up.  Until then, I am not sure....