What do I want???

Tonight I found myself sitting here in front of my computer, thinking about what I really want in my life.  The scary thing?  I have not a clue what it is that I really want.  I can think of a million things that i might like to have or do, but nothing that I really, really want.  So how do I overcome this?  I could list some things that I think I might want, perhaps that will lead me to my desire. 

I would like to have a boyfriend, but do I really want it?  I don't know.  Having a boyfriend means I lose my freedom to roam the country.  I would have to settle down somewhere.  Which reminds me,  I would like to move out of Maine.  But, moving would mean I have to pack up everything...again...and carry it to the next place that I will complain about.  No matter where it is I want to go I will still have that particular obstacle to overcome.  Even if I did manage to find a great guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, will I let go enough to make it real?  I don't know.  I am not sure I have that capacity anymore.  Things have happened in my life to make me wary of giving way to emotion.  I mean logically, I do want that, but not sure if I do emotionally.  There really is no way for me to say for sure what I want or what I can do until the situation presents itself.  Am I ready to handle that kind of commitment?  Truth is I really do not know. At any rate, I think that I need to get myself together first.  Then I will see what I want at that time. 

Until then, I will keep on doing what I do and being who I am. 

Mental Illness: I Am vs. I Have

There is a stigma growing in this country.  Many people mistakenly associate mental illness only with things like schizophrenia, insanity, and the like.  The truth is, there are way more illnesses than that.  In fact there is a whole spectrum of illnesses that affect mental states.  Here is a link (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml) that touches on the frequency and saturation of mental illness in the United States.  One would no more say "I am cancer" or "I am diabetes", though people insist on saying "I am depressed".  Though I may be depressed at times, I am not depression.  I do however have depression (and a couple other things too).  Depression is a mental illness and not a state of being. It is important to understand the distinction.   One cannot be a disease, though one can have many.  Many people do not understand how a mental illness can be damaging or how it can erode over time.  An example I like to use is a river.  A river can be peaceful and calming; though over time can carve very large canyons out of solid rock.  That is sort of how depression works.  In the beginning, there are small episodes that are easily overcome-like water over rocks.  Over time, those episodes become deeper and harder to get out of-think white water rapids.  As in my case, a particular event might trigger the deepest and darkest depression that is just insurmountable-this is the grand canyon or a giant waterfall.  That is not to say that I will not ever come out of it, but rather that I cannot do it alone.  Many folks at some point in their lives will take an anti-depressant like Zoloft for a short time and never need it again. Then again, some will never be able to live without one. 

Depression is a silent killer.  Why?  Because we do not talk about it.  Suicide is a common result of mental illness.  All persons that commit suicide have depression or some other mental disorder.  There is a large amount of negativity associated with mental disorders.  The news tell us about how this kid was depressed enough to shoot a bunch of kids (Columbine and Newtown) at a school, or how this kid or that kid committed suicide.  The common thread?  They all had mental disorders that were never addressed.  It is important for people to recognize that all people that have a mental disorder are not violent though, in fact many famous people had a mental disorder-Abraham Lincoln, Virginia Woolf, Lionel Aldridge, Ludwig van Beethoven, Leo Tolstoy, John Keats, Vincent Van Gogh, Isaac Newton, Ernest Hemingway to name a few (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Helpline1&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=4858).  Where would we be without these people?  The truth is that many people with mental illnesses can function and lead productive lives, though the few that cannot, are in the news almost weekly reinforcing the negativity associated with mental disorders.  The answer to this problem is to recognize the symptoms and signs of mental illness.

Here are a couple of links that might help:
http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/mi-and-the-family/recognizing-warning-signs-and-how-to-cope

http://www.psychiatry.org/mental-health/more-topics/warning-signs-of-mental-illness


According to the link (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml) at the National Institute for Mental Health (NIMH), 1 in 4 (roughly 26%) of people have a diagnosable mental illness though only 6% are diagnosed with a serious mental disorder.  Take a close look at your friends.  If you have more than 4 close friends, you can be sure that one of them has a mental illness, whether it has been diagnosed or not. 

Missing people...

There are days when I miss people in my past more than anything.  Sometimes it makes life hard to live knowing that they have gotten past it and I have not.  This morning I am sitting in my kitchen listening to music and that song comes on...you know the one...the one that has imprinted on my mind that one person that I cannot seem to get over.  I sit and reminisce and wax melancholy... wallowing in my depression over choices made that can never be unmade.  What might have happened will never be known to me...and it hurts.  It feels like sometimes people walk into my life to bitchslap me to remind me that I am human and not a machine...feelings come with the package.  Then I fall into an isolationist frame of mind.  Wanting to hide from the world and pretend that the emotions do not bother me, when underneath that still calm exterior, rages a maelstrom of emotion that is no where near as composed as I look.  I pretend that I am ok when I am not.  I pretend that I do not care when I really do care.  I feel like I am losing myself to this darkness.  The feelings are so close to the surface, but I cannot allow myself to let go and feel them. 

Funny how one thing can create a hole in my soul so deep that I cannot see the way out.