Paying it Forward

As many of you know, I play a game, ok an MMO, named EQ2.  This week I tried an experiment to see what would happen.  The results were surprising.

In the game there is game currency (gold, plat, etc...) that is used to purchase items made by other players or drops from in game play from the broker (if you are a WoWer that would be auctionhouse).  Recently, I accumulated a fair bit of platinum (100 gold=1 platinum) and thought it would be nice to pass a bit of my good fortune to a few new players.  I rmember when I started playing.  A platinum was the holy grail of game play.  It took a long time, quests, and deaths to accumulate gold enough to make a platinum, so back then a platinum was a big deal.  Today platinum is not so hard to come by if you have established characters on the same server (I have 15 on 3 different accounts).  So, I sent a message to the general chat asking for a couple of new players (never played EQ2 before) to send me an in-game tell (/whisper).  I got several tells from established players asking what it was I wanted.  I told them that I wanted to share a bit of holiday cheer with some new players in the form of platinum gift.  They really thought it was cool that I was willing to give away something it took me 10 years to be able to accumulate easily.  On we went, delivering gifts to 3 different players, each of them seemed very excited and grateful for the gift.  It made me feel good.  That however, is not the interesting part of the experiment.  A bit later, I logged into a different character.  That character was doing some decorating and wanted to know where to harvest a particular rare item, so I asked in chat.  I instantly got a tell from one of the established characters that sent a tell to the other character asking what it was I needed.  I told him (everyone is a him until otherwise stated) I needed the rare wood that made house actors for a diorama I was doing for New Years.  About 5 minutes later, he sent me a tell again saying Merry Christmas.  I was stunned.  This person that had no idea I was the one giving away money, actually sent me 4 of the ultra-rare wood I needed.  The implications hit me immediately.  The spirit of giving is not dead, it just needs a refresher once in a while.  The act of me giving out platinum encouraged others to do the same thing.  I was amazed and very happy that I started a round (even if it was just a couple people) of giving and paying it forward.  It really went to show me that although the world is a tough place to live sometimes, especially now, that people are still basically kind and giving.

Merry Frostfell (Norrath, EQ2)
Merry Christmas
Happy Hannakah
Happy Kwaanza
Joyful Solstice
Happy, Merry, Joyful whatever holiday it is that you celebrate.

Labels...Really??

I see all kinds of people labeling each other.  Gay, straight, bi, androgynous, lesbian, and other.  Is it really that big of a deal that we put each other into little compartments, nice and neat, no muss no fuss?  I think not.  There is a trend growing in the USA.  The trend is announcing to the world that one is gender and sexuality fluid.  I knew from an early age that I liked boys.  I did not know that there was a different name for people like me until I got to high school.  It was not that I was sheltered, far from it.  It just was not really something people talked about.  I remember the first time I labeled myself...I was bi...not because I thought there was anything wrong with being who I was, but because others found it more acceptable since I still "liked" girls.  The truth is, I never really was into girls.  Not really...I mean I had some interesting sexual trysts that involved females, but there was always a strong desire for other guys.  I did (straight) marry twice, though with both I was completely honest about my desires.  With the first one, she thought it was cool...she used to bring guys home to share with me.  The second never really understood what I needed, though I can say that I loved them both.  

For me sex and love are two different concepts.  Sex is about a physical need being satisfied, whereas love is about the heart.  I know that many do not see the difference and have a hard time understanding.  Let me try to explain...sex is the primal need to spread your seed (obviously for men)...the sexual desire transcends everything...name, financial status, marital status, gender, sexuality, etc...when there is a physical attraction (regardless) sex is possible.  It is a physiological process that has kept humanity alive and growing for millennia.  Love on the other hand, is about nurturing and sharing...I have known love in my life...I fell in love with a guy who did not love me as I loved him...I knew from the beginning...yet I still loved...It is irrational and makes no sense whatsoever, but we do it, nonetheless.  It has no relation to sex...

Wait...I know that as a species, humans like to think that love leads to sex...they are wrong.  It is wonderful and nice when you love a person that you are having sex with, but love is not necessary.  I know it seems strange and slutty  that one could have sex without knowing anything about the other, but it happens every day in every species.  Humans are not the only ones to have sex for fun.  It has been documented that certain cetaceans and nearly all monkey kind have sex for pleasure.  I would even go so far as to say that many have multiple partners, of both genders.  

I guess the whole point of this blog is to say that we as intelligent beings, armed with the knowledge that we do, that there really is no point in assigning labels to sexuality or gender as they are both as undefinable as love.  I say, let love be love and sex be sex...if one can be lucky enough to love the one they have sex with then it is a win...but not having love with sex or sex with love should not be considered a loss either.  All shades of love and sexuality should be accepted without question.  We are being what and who we were created to be...all of us.

Freedom of Religion...the American Way

I have been trying to resist the whole Kim Davis thing, but I really think it has gone far enough.  There is a time to stand firm and then there is the time to back down.  The Supreme Court, District Court, the Governor, and constituents have all said issue the licenses.  If your conscience will not allow it, then step down.  

The problem is not Kim Davis or her skewed sense of morality, but rather the sensationalism that the conservative right has come to adore.   Conservatives want everyone to live by a certain moral code that is wrapped around God and his influence on the world.  There have been many attempts of late to try to wrap law into religion, and all need to fail.  I hear people yelling about Shia Law yet here they are trying to violate my rights to humanity by claiming religious liberty.  Shia Law is not the same as religious indoctrination, but the principal is very much the same.  

If we were to follow the bible as law, the passages that prohibit homosexuality also declare women as chattel, that husbands have a duty to beat their wives (more than one), and that a daughter is worth 3 goats and a cow.  We have long since abandoned the passages permitting bigamy, women as chattel, beatings and dowry, yet they still want to press the gay one.  Times change and with it the moral compass.  Many things today violate christian belief, divorce being chief among them.  Yet divorce is legal and practiced by many "religious" people.  

The sun has not gone nova, the seas have not swallowed up the land, and your marriage is just as valuable (or not) as it was before.  The whole point of this blog is to express how ridiculous it is that we as a people in the 21st century are still fighting for equality.  Religion has no place in government.  The first Amendment to the Constitution is about keeping religion to religion and law to law.  In this case, Kim Davis is violating the first Amendment.  Her religion is hers to practice, but when she walks in the door and becomes an elected body, religion cannot influence that job.  

Bottom line...Do Your Damned Job, or Resign.  

Thought of the day...

I was sitting here thinking about stuff, because that is what I do.  What if humanity (as we call ourselves) is nothing but a grand experiment and we are nothing but biological androids.  I know very far fetched idea, but consider this...our brains are nothing more than electrical storage units that somehow store a digital record of every day of our lives...our heart inexplicably beats--electrical muscle spasms that push blood-- consistently (for most of us anyway)...our muscles are controlled by electrical and chemical signals sent down a network of nerves...we are fueled by consuming organic materials which are transferred into electrical energy...see where this is going??  Furthermore, consider the virus and bacteria...neither have brains...but consider that they could be arbitrary pieces of biological code...programmed to do nothing but steal a cell and replicate.  

It seems like science fiction, but in reality, what are we??  Nothing more than and organic machine that consumes organic materials to chemically convert into electrical energy that allows for locomotion and storage of data.  Incidentally, this data is what makes each individual machine different and unique.  Consider human reproduction.  Each machine starts as 2 distinct and unique cells that magically come together and begin the arduous task of becoming a brand new biological machine.  As a human, we get 23 chromosomes (programs?) from each parent that somehow know exactly what to do and when to do it...the stronger programs win out over the weaker ones (eye color, skin color, hair color, etc...).   Somehow, they grow all the different organs, cells, and tissues that become the biologic body.

How are we any different than the computers and other machines we use every day?  They use electricity, like us...they store data (tons of it daily), like us...they can replicate (code) and are largely responsible for building other machines.  

Are we creating unique machines, or are we merely duplicating with non-organic material, ourselves??  

Undeserving...still

There once was this guy...he worked his butt off all his life to help his family.  One day, his father died and left him to deal with all of the emotional turmoil he left behind.  After a time, things calmed and life regained some sense of normalcy.  He still wasted his life helping others and making sure that all was good.  For a little while, he stepped away and decided to do something for himself.  The others stepped in and helped out during his hiatus.  Soon after he finished what he set out to do, he was summoned back to help out more.  Nevermind that the time was being used to better himself, he selflessly stepped back into the support role and put his own life on hold...again.  After a little while, he began to have issues dealing with life and his feelings of uselessness.  He entered a program that promised to help him learn to deal with stuff.  While in the program, he had a couple physical issues that rendered his little hiatus useless.  He began the arduous process of proving that the issues would prevent him from doing what his training led him to do.  Meanwhile, his mother began her spiral toward her eventual demise.  One day it happened.  She left.  He was left alone.  The one that put his life on hold so that everyone else was able to have a life was left alone.  Without the daily requirements of taking care of an ill person, his life became devoid of purpose.  He was left to fend for himself and rely on others for his upkeep.  The sad truth of it is that he hates depending on anyone for anything, but his own illnesses (both mental and physical) prevent him from being able to do anything about it.  Living this way, he has managed, getting ever more despondent and feeling ever more useless. 

It is said that actions speak louder than words, and that words can cut like a knife.  It is easy to say that one will be there to take care of another, and a completely different thing to have the fortitude to place one's life on hold and do it.  The story above is not only my story, but the story of many people in my age range.  Parents that were born in the boomer age, are now getting old, sick, and tired.  I was never asked to take the role of caregiver, I just felt it was my duty.  I wish sometimes that I had not been as honorable and tried to live a life.  Now I am getting older.  My body is not as pliant as it once was.  My emotions are out of control and I feel like I don't deserve anything.  I don't deserve to be happy...or to love someone...or to have friends...or to even exist anymore.  I feel like the old person left at the nursing home.  The one that spent his or her whole life taking care and sacrificing for their family that they did not get to live.  Now they sit and wait to die, their purpose completed.  I am not suicidal (my mother would come out of the grave and beat me bloody), but some days I wonder why I feel the way I do and if things would have been different had I been able to be who I was.  I guess I will never know, nor would it make any difference to anyone anyway.

The value of myself

Depression sucks.  It can make one feel like they are less of a person...an incomplete person...a person with so much baggage that they cannot envision themselves being worthy of anything or anyone.  Today, I am that person.  I know that I have a lot to offer a person in the way of relationship, but i cannot help but feel that pursuit of a relationship will be fruitless.  I have many issues, not all of them physical.  Depression is robbing me of my joy of life and desire to share my soul with another.  Despite the fact that I know these things, I still feel unworthy.

I hear people all the time telling me to suck it up...snap out of it...just think positive...but the truth of the matter is that when I am down, I am way down...when I am up, I am average.  Have you ever seen a biorhythm chart?  You notice that the lines cross the median and peak above the line and valley  below it?  My depression chart would look like a wave below the median with the best peak being even with the line and the lows very low.  Yeah I know that part of learning to cope with depression is accepting the mechanics of it and to not beat myself up about it, but some days it is hard to even find a reason to want to wake up.

I try to write about how I feel.  Sometimes it feels like I am complaining about how unfair my life is. That is not the case at all.  If anything, I feel like I do not deserve to be happy.  I am jealous of others that are able to open up their selves and show their warts, bruises, and imperfections.  I cannot.  It feels like all I am is warts, bruises and imperfections...no redeeming qualities at all...I know it is not true, but that is how I feel a lot of the time.

I am not looking for validation of my feelings either.  My feelings are my own.  Nobody has said or done anything to make me feel less wanted...I just feel like that.  There are so many things I yearn to do, but cannot find the desire or energy to begin.  I do not even feel like writing this, but I know that if I don't, it may cause me to fall deeper into my own despair.

I know that I am not alone in this.  I know that there are others out there that feel as I do.  I just want to let people know that I do understand.  I know what it is like to not feel worthy of drawing breath.  I live it every day.  If you ask me how I am, I will always answer "fine" even though I am not.

Dissecting <>ism in human culture

In a perfect world, a person would look at another person and just see a person--not a color, race, nationality, sexuality, or stereotype.  It is a sad truth that we are still using those terms to identify a person.  When we were young we were taught to identify objects via a unique trait.  The big red ball, tall green grass, the dusty chalkboard.  What was somehow skipped was being taught to not use that same method to identify people.  That Chinese over there, the black guy with the bandana, or the gay boy at the park.  Over time we have a become accustomed to this flawed methodology and even today it still causes problems.  

***For the remainder of this article, I will replace the negative generalizations with <>.  This is not to minimize the topic, but rather to prevent any one group from being singled out or any specific event occurring either now or in the past.***  

We hear in the news about this <> person being killed by this <> cop, or this <> man was attacked on the street by <> kids.  I think that the news people like to stir trouble.   When they are reporting on these stories, the tragedy is missed and overshadowed by the <> of the victims.  I realize that there are major cultural differences in the different regions of the US.  The <>isms are not exclusive to one <> or another.  All <> are guilty of discrimination.   Despite recent advances in balancing rights, there still exists an undertone of anxiety with regard to <>.  

Kids today are being taught differently than when I was young.  Today, a <> kid is just a kid.  We might finally be approaching a generation that identifies people not based on <>, but based on accomplishments or merit.  That is not to say that <>ism is gone, but at least it is shrinking and perhaps by the next generation...Y...or is it Z...anyway, they will likely not classify people by <>, but by how they are treated and teach by example.  

I mentioned earlier about news stories keeping things stirred up...I did not mention the positives--athletes, actors, musicians, and other television personalities coming out to embrace our differences.  People are realizing that none of <> matters.  What matters is what is in the heart and how we treat each other.  Some day...<> won't matter...and all we will be is people.

Blog about writing OR Get up and WRITE!

While sitting here listening to the crickets and cicada, it occurs to me that I have been neglecting my passion.  Not ignoring it, all out not even wanting to write.  I wonder if it is because of the weather, my pain levels, or just plain laziness.  Perhaps, because it is summer and wickedly hot and amazingly sticky, that the desire to do anything at all is too much to hope for.  At any rate, I decided tonight that I would try to write a post every night, even if it is nothing more than a minuscule rant such as this.  I once heard (maybe from a movie) that if you wake up in the morning and can think of nothing else, then that is what you are supposed to do.  I go to sleep, dream, wake up, and lumber through my day thinking of nothing but writing.  So why is it so hard to get going?

Thinking of my favorite author, Robert A Heinlein, I recall he had a thing about rules for writing.  One of those rules is you must write.  Though it seems rather simple, it is much harder to put into practice.  One must make time to write every day.  Write a blog, a short story, an idea, a poem...anything...just take an hour and write anything.  Even if it makes no sense to anyone but you...write.

Another of the rules said something about not rewriting except for editorial requirements.  This I like as when I write something, I write it as I want it, not as another would have me write.  I think even should I get a writing gig, I would have a hard time rewriting to someone else's requirements.  I would do it...not for the money, but for the opportunity to get my name and my work out for the world to see.

I cannot remember any of the others, but those two are really enough.  I will write for me and if it sells or is good or bad, I will own it and try harder to write something of substance next time.  I have another blog called paragraph a day project...perhaps I should dust it off and begin writing in it every day and save this blog for my personal thoughts and sharing ideas (ideals?)  At any rate, I look forward to any constructive criticism...that does not give you license to rip me apart...that might help me write better and tell a more compelling story.

Comments can be made here or can be emailed to me at xopherrei@icloud.com

Until tomorrow, Adieu!

integrity, honesty, and other valorous traits...

In the past couple of weeks, there have been numerous things did not work out as was planned.  I understand that sometimes things come up and plans that were committed to can fall by the wayside.  That is not to say I am getting discouraged...not at all.  I am just frustrated that some folks can make an agreement, sign documents, prepare for the transaction, then all of a sudden decide that it is not what they want at this time.  When plans are made and situations arranged for, it is nearly impossible to feel optimistic when things are as solid as quicksand.

I am not one of those folks that have to plan every second, but I have a hard time with change.  So when I have arranged and psyched myself into accepting a potential change, it is really hard to trust the next time.  For a person with anxiety and depression, it is hard to make changes to routine anyway, when you add the indecision and inconsistency of others, it can make life hard to live.

I can be spontaneous, but not when it comes to things that make me uncomfortable.  For example, I am not afraid to try new foods or try a new operating system, but if it comes down to my feeling of security, I can get panicky.  Some things are safe to try new, others not so much.  So for now, I am gonna sit on my hands, and hope that the next attempt at making a significant change goes according to plan, or at least not go so far awry that it causes me to have an anxiety attack or bout of depression.  

Optimism is easy to talk about, but hard to implement, especially for those with mental disorders such as depression and anxiety.  Be patient and try to follow through...if it is not possible, the earlier we know the better...

Xopher.

Expectations

Every person alive has expectations.  We expect a person to respond a certain way to certain situations.  Many times, because of expectations, we get mad when things do not go as expected.   Some folks have learned how to not expect anything and rarely get upset, though they are very much in the minority.  Sometimes these expectations get in the way of relationships.  Not just romantic relationships, but also friendships, sibling and other familial interactions, and even at work.  Expectations are a learned behavior.  We as humans, learn by example.  We learn how our families do things and throw those expectations into the mix which almost always causes a ruckus.  The key to living in society is to accept people as they are, not how you want them to be, and when there is a difference, try to learn why that difference is important to the other person.  It could be that Grandma taught someone how to make something a specific way, and yours did it differently.  There is no reason both situations cannot be correct.  Maybe it is a way of keeping the memory of Grandma alive to that person.  Even I am guilty of pushing my expectations on others.  I am a night person.  Others around me are very early morning people.  It is wrong of either to expect that everything has to be done either morning or night.  Why can't we compromise and try doing something in the middle...not too early and not too late?  There are also cultural differences that can influence expectations.  People that grew up in the northeast cook a specific way.  Their food tends to be richer and more carb based than other places.  In the south, there is a tendency toward eating more vegetables and lesser cuts of meat.  Seasonings tend to be more fatty and salty.  In the west, there is a heavy influence of Mexican culture.  Their food tends to be more spicy and utilize more staples than in other places.  Meat is important, but corn and beans are used very frequently in their cooking.  The point is, whether you grew up in the north, south, east, or west, there is not right or wrong way to prepare food.  I myself am influenced by all of them.  I like vegetables-read that as greens and beans-I love Mexican food, and I do like my soups prepared New England style.  I am just as guilty as the rest of imposing my expectations on others, especially with food.

If every person were to understand why we expect and how to compromise, the world would be a much better place.  We are all victims of our past.  The key is to recognize that each person is entitled to be who they are without being expected to conform to some other person's idea of normal.  America is built on every other culture in the world.  We do not have a native culture.  The culture of the USA is an amalgam of all the other cultures that are here, and their interactions toward one another.  It is not perfect.  We still have racism, sexism, and other social stigma to overcome, but as a whole, I thing we are moving the right direction if only we could get individuals to embrace differences and try to compromise more.

What a great time to be alive

For many years, I lived a lie to gain approval (which never happened).  So far in the last 11 years, we have gone from DOMA (defense of marriage act), DADT (don't ask don't tell), and a majority of states passing legislation declaring "marriage" as a union between one man and one woman, to marriage equality in all states and territories of the US.  Today, July 16, 2015, the EEOC (equal employment opportunity commission) declared that sexual orientation is blanketed into the Civil Rights Act 0f 1964.  I honestly do not understand why it was such a big deal.  Many religious folk try to quote the bible (small b on purpose) about man lying with man being a sin.  What they omit is the rest of the chapter where women are chattel and have no rights, eating of shellfish, wearing mixed clothing (cotton and wool together), and mixing of crops being sins, to name just a few points.  I am not here to beat down the religious.  I think religion has it's points, both good and bad.  What I am here to say, is why is it that something I do, in my bed, privately, should be a topic of your derision?  How am I interfering with your life by living mine?  You don't approve of same sex marriage? Don't marry a person of the same sex...your religious beliefs prevent you from accepting SSM?  By all means, find a career where you do not have to deal with gay folk...just remember that the next time you need flowers or decorating ideas.  All of the people stepping down from public jobs because they do not want to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples need to understand that in the US there is a separation of church and state.  This means that laws that are based on religious idealism are unconstitutional.  Marriage as we know it today, is a civil contract between 2 people that wish to share all of the rights and privileges given to married folk.  Gays do not want to force churches to marry them nor do we want to force businesses to deal with us.  Where we have an issue is when businesses open to the public refuse to serve us because we are gay.  In 1964, the Civil Rights Act was passed.  This gave protection to people with regard to color, race, religion, national origin, and sex.  Back in 1964, there were people quitting their government service jobs because of interracial marriage (Loving v. West Virginia).  A person serving in a governmental capacity, issuing marriage licenses, marrying people, or providing a public service, are obligated to perform the same service to all regardless.  I guess this too shall pass...in twenty years we will all be looking around wondering what all the fuss was about...the world did not end, marriage did not crumble, and the gates of hell did not open up.

Like those alive in the 60's, today is a great time to be alive.

Not Fair!

Why is it that the guys that I have cared about have moved on and into other relationships, while I am still alone and lonely?? 

I am a sweet guy...I have above average intelligence, a wide range of interests, a decent handle on tech, and I know my way around the bedroom.  So what is it that makes guys walk all over me then walk out?  Some of the excuses were wild...one guy was mad because I would not use him...his words...for things...apparently all of his other relationships were based on what he could provide...another told me I could never give him kids...and yet another thought he was in love with me, then got hooked up with a girl...and another though he loved me, but not as much as I loved him so he figured it was not fair to me...since when is it ok for other people to tell me what I want or how I want it?  I give because I want to...I share because I know what it is like to be isolated...I touch because I know what it is like to not be touched...

All I really want is someone that will be honest with me...that's it...if you don't feel it, don't say it today then walk away next week...I am not a mind reader...how can I know what you want unless you tell me?  I have intelligence...that does not mean I am psychic or can see the future...I have been told that I lack common sense when it comes to emotions...I don't take hints...I tend to see things in a larger image than most folks...that does not mean I don't care about small issues, but that I don't see them most of the time...just because I did not notice your haircut, does not mean I quit caring about you...just that I have other things on my mind and feel that it is your head, wear your hair like you like to, not for my preference.  I will love you regardless...

I guess I need to make out a character sheet with all my likes, dislikes, good points, and bad so that I can explain things from the beginning...before I invest my time into you or yours into me...

Sometimes I think Sheldon has it right when it comes to relationships...get it all written down and acknowledged before hand, so that if any questions arise in the future, I can point to our "friendship agreement" or "relationship agreement" so that there is no mistake.  Other times I envy people that wear their feelings...I cannot do that...I don't know how...all I know to to is write it down and try to explain why I seem cold and despondent about  this thing that means the world to you...it's not that I don't care...just that I don't know how I am supposed to feel about it or I really don't understand your excitement...am I really that different than everyone else??

Something is bothering me...

Over the last 40 years, I have found myself looking in the rearview mirror and wondering if it was all worth the sacrifice.  I gave up jobs, friends, boyfriends, and happiness to care for others in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I would not do it any differently were I given a do-over, but I can't help but wonder what my life would be like were I to have not given up these things and allowed myself to have a normal life.  Something tells me that it would not have been like I think, but rather it would make me a different person. 

I see people, every day, complaining about work, the bills, the car note, and their spouse.  They work so hard for things that really do not mean a thing.  Let me explain...Let's say "Bob" is married to "Susan" and has 2 kids...one each, boy and girl...Bob gets up at 4AM to get ready for work.  His wife also gets up at that time, because she too has to work.  Because they both work, they have to have 2 cars.  Their kids are not old enough for school yet, so, moms pay goes almost completely to child care.  Dad has to work 2 jobs just to earn enough to make the bills and have a little for saving.  Because the world is as it is, the cost of everything is rising faster than the income levels.  As a result, Dad will likely die young...50-65...of either a heart attack, or cirrhosis from alcoholism.  You see, he gets up so early and works so late, he has to have something to relax him enough to sleep.  If he is fortunate enough...most are not...to have a job that offers vacation, then he will have 2 weeks a year to get to know his kids enough to remember their names. 

I do not see the draw.  I mean, I believe folks should work for what they have, but not like this.  I know this is going to sound odd coming from me, but, I think that we should resort to the barter system.  It would work like this...there would be no money...debts would be goods or services owed to a local person for a good or service that you need.  For example, the pig farmer only grows pigs.  The vegetable farmer grows only vegetables.  So, the pig farmer would supply pork the the vegetable farmer and vice versa.  Everyone would have what they need to live, yet be able to feed their family and have relationships with them.  Sure, in the global economy it would have to be tweaked a bit.  But even then, it could be done.  People would get up in the morning and begin crafting something while teaching the kids to carry on after.  It would be a self sustaining society.  Arts and crafts would make a come back as everyone likes pretties in their life, whether is is a song, poem, sonnet, painting, or table.  Everything would have value.  Sure some folks would try to value their good or service higher than the others...it is human nature...but even human nature can be taught.   After a time, money would be forgotten and would hold no weight. 

Realistically, I know that will not happen for quite a while...unless there is an apocalypse...then who knows...until then, I will keep looking for things to change, and hope that mankind does not greed itself to death...

Not Sure

Today, I am irritated.  People talk AT me and wonder why I snap.  I am not so overly sensitive that I cannot have a conversation, yet invariably, when I do, I get irritated.  Some folk say that I never answer when talked AT...my response?  I did not know you were talking to me or I am thinking...see unlike many people today, I like to think about what I want to say, before I say something wrong or hurtful.  Yet it is always my fault when things go wonky.  I do not like to argue.  Simple.  I choose to not say anything and keep being annoyed inside, to prevent me from hurting someone's feelings because "I don't understand why you are upset."  I guess my priorities are different.  If I do not want to do X, I think about the argument that will come if I don't go...so I go and say nothing.  After a while, I want to be alone and think my way past the annoyance...then it becomes me being anti-social...and yet another argument.  So instead of me saying, No I do not want to do X, avoiding the annoyance, I instead go, get annoyed, want to be alone to decompress, and cause the very argument I was trying to avoid in the first place and on top of it all, I have my annoyance to boot. 

I know why I do it, just not how to make others around me aware of why I do it.  I hate owing anybody anything.  I have always been sufficient to meet my needs.  Now, I am not.  And I hate it.  So, out of a feeling of obligation, I feel like I have to go along with X, to avoid hurting anyone's feelings and feeling like I am ungrateful if I don't.  My patience is growing thin with this.  There are some days I just want to leave, not say a word to anyone, and just disappear.  Would it solve my problem?  Nope.  But I would have my dignity back.  I am feeling more obligated every day.  In turn, I am also feeling more ungrateful...which annoys me.  So no matter what I do, I am going to be annoyed.  I guess I will see what happens and hope I can make it past it without cracking up.  Until then, I am not sure....

(variable) x

Some days I feel like I am not speaking the same language as those around me.  I somehow miss important (to the speaker) cues as to the correct response--whether verbal or otherwise.  It has been brought to my attention, that I sometimes (always) have no clue why a person is upset with something I said, or a particular thought process.  I fail to see why a person would think that I was being negative by declaring that we will gain (variable) x instead of "Capital, Underlined, Italics X."  The difference is minute (in my mind) yet others somehow get the idea that I am cursing the "CUI X" noted above to fail when in my mind, I feel that I am remaining open to other possibilities.  If it were a Venn diagram, CUI X would fall into (variable) x. 

I see things very differently than others.  I tend to see life as a big giant variable x where anything could happen and often does.  I do not see the need to name x as CUI X, as I see it as belonging to the set already and as Murphy likes to insert his humor into the equation, it might not be CUI X but UIC B instead (which incidentally is also in [variable] x.)  Regardless of which option works out, I cannot be disappointed because I considered every possibility in the "x" whereas the other listed options named a specific point inside of "x."  How could that possibly be construed as negative thinking??? 

It seems in life that some folk get so hung up on a specific X that they cannot see any other possibilities.  It really makes no difference what X means, but if X does not happen, folks often will get pissy and mad.  I choose instead to live (variable) x as it includes every possibility.  It is the epitome of positivity.  How could I ever be disappointed when X is included in (variable) x as is B, C, T, etc...

In conclusion, I do sometimes fail to understand others perspective.  Though in truth, my perspective is just as misunderstood.  In the future, I will try to make others understand what I mean without getting upset.  I guess it would be too much to ask for the same courtesy??

Out of time?

As mother's day approaches, I find myself sitting here reminiscing about mom.  This will mark the second mother's day since her death.  Besides thinking about mom, I find myself also thinking about my own mortality.  Both of my parents died in  their 60's and I am but 14 years from 60.  I know death is inevitable, but I am scared.  Will I outlive my siblings, or the other way around?  There are many things I still want to do, yet I am afraid I am running out of time.  Anxiety about the future fills my days and tortures my nights.  I am feeling that no matter what I do, I will not complete the things I want to complete in my life.

In therapy, I told my therapist about my feelings of insignificance.  Of how I felt smaller than a single grain of sand on a beach.  Some days, that feeling overwhelms me.  The mundane things like dishes or laundry lose all significance as they will continue forever whereas I will not.  I do not fear poverty nor do I aspire to become wealthy.  Life is too short to waste it working my fingers to the bone only to die never having enjoyed the simple things.

I am moving to Arizona soon.  My siblings do not understand why.  I moved to Maine to be with my mom at the end of her days.  After she passed, I feel like my life is paused.  I feel like this book is completed and I am walking around directionless, waiting for a signal or a push one way or another.  Arizona will be my new book.  I will begin to live again and find pleasure is existence, where I find only melancholy and sadness here.  I feel like I only have another 20 years of living left and I am not going to waste it trying to live up to someone Else's ideal of how life should be.  I will live as I want to live...free...

spelling disaster

I just got done looking at posts on Facebook and I am appalled.  I look at the people that wrote these posts and I wonder how and why they graduated.  Is this how kids are coming out of school?  Unable to read, unable to write cursive, unable to read cursive, and unable to spell anything...what happened?  I have a thought on why...no child left behind...I think that if a kid cannot get grades good enough to get to the next grade, they should not.  I remember when I was in high school.  I had a horrible time in my 9th grade English class.  It was not because I could not spell, read or write, but because I did not do my work.  So, I had to take it again and not move up to the 10th grade.  I learned to get my work done and on the second attempt, I passed with a B.  If I had been passed to the next grade, it would not likely have damaged my ability to read and write, but, it would not have been fair to the other kids that worked hard to get their work done and turned in on time.  It would have sent a message that it did not matter whether I learned anything or not, I would still get passed to the next grade.  I think this is wrong.  Parents are not willing (or able it seems) to help their kids with their work as they are just as likely to be illiterate as their kids.  It is an indictment to the United States education system that kids are allowed to graduate without having the basic skills of reading and writing.  I am not saying that other classes are not important, but that without a fundamental knowledge of reading and writing, the other subjects become meaningless.  I think it would be like being dropped in Japan, never having learned Japanese, and being expected to learn Japanese History written in Japanese.  It would literally be impossible to learn anything in that class.  When we allow our kids to get a free pass to graduation, we do them a disservice as well as causing issues with employment and the economy.  A kid that cannot read or write, has limited potential as a wage earner and will likely remain in the lower end of the scale.  That is not to say that all people that can read and write will ascend the ladder, but they at least have a better chance than the illiterate one.  A secondary effect of the "no child left behind" is the rise of secondary schools that have ridiculously lowered the standard for admittance.  It is not uncommon (I saw this personally) for students to fail entrance exams several times before gaining admittance.  Not only is it not fair to the student to expect them to compete with others academically, but it is unfair to the American taxpayer who has to foot the bill for all the high interest loans that pay for the privilege of going to that school, which in turn will likely get defaulted on because the "graduate" will not have learned anything relevant to their employment aspirations. 

I understand that there are special needs kids out there that require specialized instruction.  These kids can be taught basic life skills as well as reading and writing.  There is no reason for a country with the clout the USA has, to justify graduating kids that cannot read.  If their is a special need, then accommodate that need...but do not automatically let them graduate because it is time.  If they cannot read, they cannot graduate.  Period. 

Think of it this way...the kids we are allowing to graduate without basic academic skills are the same kids that will be taking care of us as we age...they are going to control the world...they are the ones that will decide whether to go to war or not...very scary thought is it not?

Last Chances

Tonight I watched a film that really made me stop and think about my life and where it is going.  It was about a woman dying of cancer and her two estranged kids.   In her last few days, she made simple cards from construction paper and pine cones with one simple wish for each one of them.  One of her wishes was for her daughter to "sing" and her son to "try".  It seems to me that in living life we forget to live.  We work so hard for things that we will never live long enough to enjoy.  Instead of taking a few minutes to take in the beauty of the world, we choose to adhere to imagined restraints.  We fail to notice, in the short time we exist, that there is more to life than stuff and money...beauty exists everywhere...if you take a minute to look at it...I have been carrying around my old life like a book that I finished reading 2 years ago.  As long as I keep that book in my hand, I cannot pick up a new one...letting go of a loved one is a very tough thing to do at any time...but to hold on to that dead person and fail to live is a travesty...Soon I will begin a new chapter in the life of Christopher...I am putting down the book that is finished and moving on to my future...whatever it may be...I know that mom would be proud of the man that I am and she will be there urging me on...showing me all the beauty in the world...Love always wins...even if it hurts...

Double Standards and all

I am sickened by the vitriol being spewed by conservatives regarding ABC's show The Fosters showing a same-sex kiss between 13 y/o boys.  It is as if gay people just all of a sudden appeared on the scene and started forcing their innocent love on the populace.  Why is it that two women can love, yet two men love and you would think that the world was coming to an end??  This is the 21st century.  It was long prophesied that marriage equality would be the law of the land, yet here we are fighting the fight like we were Loving v. W. Virginia all over again.  When will American people realize that all people deserve to love...no matter the combination...MM, FF, MF...all should have the freedom to love as they see fit...against gay marriage?  Don't marry someone of the same sex.  Simple.  Yet here we are trying to legitimize something that should be a no brainer.  I have nothing against opposite sex marriage...what about my same-sex one threatens you? 

I was born in the late 60's.  The 70's and 80's really did not offer much in the way of equality.  In fact, the 80's saw the recognition of HIV and AIDS, which somehow made gays the reason for it.  The 90's saw a bit of improvement, yet my own father told me he hoped he would be dead before same-sex marriage became legal.  So far 37 (38) states and the District of Columbia (AL, AK, AZ, CA, CO, CT, DE, FL, HI, ID, IA, IL, IN, KS, ME, MD, MA, MN, MT, NC, NH, NJ, NM, NV, NY, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, UT, VA, VT, WA, WV, WI, and WY - plus Washington, D.C., plus most recently, Nebraska) celebrate marriage equality and he died before more than MA became legal. 

I am not saying that anyone has to accept anything nor am I wanting the US to force equality, but I will say that the US has a poor reputation with regard to civil rights.  The reason that SCOTUS exists is to balance EXECUTIVE and CONGRESS branches.  When the majority decides to discriminate against the minority, SCOTUS acts to balance the equation.  In this case, the majority is on the right side of history, and likely SCOTUS will decide once and for all that all marriages, regardless of the combination should be and are valid.  Love is Love...

Democracy for the people or Oligarchy for the rich?

I have been reading and doing research on communes (I think I am more of a hermit) and came across the idea of "communism" versus socialism -> oligarchy.  The United States has long had the idea that we are the premier democracy in the world.  Truth is, we are really nothing more than an oligarchy that has an elected dictator that rotates every 4 years.  Think about it.  The Congress has 535 members, most of which have been there for years running unchallenged or challenged but seriously overspending their challenger.  Think of Congress as the elite upper-class (they are actually-more than 50% are worth more than $1million [http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/10/us/politics/more-than-half-the-members-of-congress-are-millionaires-analysis-finds.html?_r=0] ) who are critically out of touch with their constituencies.  Think of the President as the elected dictator as he has as much power as all of congress, though in different ways.  The president can veto a law and make an executive order, while congress can pass a law, override a veto, and make a statement by doing nothing.  Effectively, we are an elected oligarchy.  So, seeing that we have this issue, how do we fix it?

If one were to really look at the Constitution, they would see that congress was not intended to be a lifetime career.  It was considered a civic duty.  Over time, congress has modified this intention into the mess it is today.  Many have served more than 50 years in congress.   This is too long.  The problem is that in the last 25 or so years, technology has created a differential in the populace.  There has been a dramatic shift  in cultural identity in that time that honestly changes the way things should be done.

I watched a recording of the SOTU that aired last night.  I am feeling particularly energized by POTUS and feel that the Congress needs to listen up.  Sure, there have been mistakes made...but POTUS has reached across the aisle again to say "let's work together".  Despite that hand across the aisle, I have a feeling that Congress will try to push their way through to try to invalidate the work done, but will ultimately fail.  POTUS has vowed to use the VETO to block any back pedaling attempted by Congress.  All we need to do now is to get out and vote in 2016 and show Congress that a government by the people, for the people means that we call the shots...