edge of an epiphany

I am on the edge of an epiphany…I am not sure what is happening, but I feel like there is a massive change coming…like the universe is roiling and nothing is stable…things thought once unbreakable, are shattering under the strain of chaos…my reality is skewed…earthquakes, death, and change…the future is not indelible…balancing on a blade…moving ever forward, yet each step a bloody mess…pain an ever-present companion…unwelcome…a reminder that I am alive…I struggle…I fear…afraid to succeed…afraid to fail…I stand…hide my face…cover my shame…guilt rides me…why me…why not…happy sadness and sad happiness…I mourn a life…yet I live…decisions made bad…stagnant…I can’t stop…looking for my what if…I weep…it yells to me…coloring the past in shades of never…disrupting the future of potentiality…sarcastic laughter…mountains of anguish…I miss who I will be…what is now…what was…tomorrow as yesterday…I write…I bleed…I exist…I allow nothing…darkness written in the blood of time…as seconds pass years…without purpose and reason…pictures flash in my mind…impossible…chaotic and ordered…rhythmic yet dissonant…a pattern…emerging silent…skewed…icy and unfeeling…distant…dense…eating my soul…I touch nothing…unwilling I move…dragged…I grasp…I gasp…I sigh…resignation etched into acquiescence…I look for a word…I look forward…I look back…invalid…used…coexisting with…without…broken…how…naked…solitary…complicit… aching…screaming in symbols…painted with tears… imagery lost…familiar…alien…stolen…passion…understand?  I thought not…

Broken

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a post on a popular website.  The post intended to draw people (read that as men) into pure and candid conversation, without the intent of sexual consummation.  The response was tepid, as expected.  Of the 5-6 responses, three devolved into conversations about the weather, one went straight to sex talk, and another never responded after my initial response.  The question this brings to my mind is why do I do this to myself? 

I am in therapy.  Many of you that know me are already aware, but for the few that are not, there it is.  In my quest for understanding the irrational aspect of human nature, emotions, I challenge myself to put it out there, so to speak, in order to try to reach at least a friendly rapport with another human that does not live in the same house as me.  In an attempt to open a door, I put two such ads out there.  In the first ad, I mentioned several things that interested me and purposefully left out things like my age, economic situation, and emotional issues.  In the second, I included that everyone has issues and included my age (economic status is nobody’s business anyway).  As expected, I got several responses from the first ad, and not one from the second. 

My original thesis consisted of the idea that men, even platonically, were not interested in chatting with a person that had obvious issues or age.  The results support my thesis.   The guys that responded to the first ad were after three or more e-mails, given access to my blog, which has a lot of information about who I am as a person and some ideological discussions.  The result of that part of the experiment surprised me.  Even after establishing a light rapport with the people, disclosure of the issues—in this case giving access to the webpage—resulted in termination of the communication (or at least so far).  Given that the experiment is still ongoing, I do not expect any more communications from any person. 

To clarify, issues I have stem from a very dominant and homophobic father, forcing me to assume an alter ego for the sole purpose of acceptance.  Over the years, constantly covering my sexuality and “pretending” to be someone else has resulted in me not having any tolerance for hiding or pretending to be someone, I am not.  However, aware as I am, that details can be omitted without sacrificing integrity, scarring has caused me to not hold back anything in order to bring about full disclosure.  I understand that this flaw can cause me to not develop a healthy relationship in the future, while at the same time, nothing short of full disclosure will satisfy my incessant need for integrity.  Therein, lays the problem. 

Perhaps patience, persistence, and time will vindicate me.  Mayhap there is a person out there somewhere that understands that flaw (and others as well) and still wants to have at least discourse with me.  Until then, I hold my head up high and wave my broken flag in hopes that someone out there can look past the broken parts and see the intelligence within.

Suddenly sad

Thinking about places I have been, and suddenly I am feeling sad.  Sad about the changes that have happened.  Sad about people that have passed to the aether.  Sad to think about how those places will not be the same ever again. 

I just looked at my old house.  I remember the time we spent making it a home.  I miss that place and time.  I remember the parties, the cookouts, the fun carefree time spent doing nothing.  I think about the things I did and the people I have known.  I often wonder how they have done all these years.  I wish sometimes that I could go back…not to change things, but to see and smell and feel the past.  I know I can never go back.  Were I to go to the place, elements are missing…my mom, dad, siblings, Dusty, friends…

Time stands still for no man.  The world will turn, and the sun will rise and set.  All people will change to fit their current reality.  People will pass and friends will fade away. 

One Chance

I mourn it

Looking in the rearview mirror

You taunt me

Tease me with memory

A touch of life

A taste of happy

Wasted on ignorance

Used in haste

Damage done

Heart broken

Love kissed touches

Betrayed by sunsets

Lost to the ages

Given to time

One shot

Is that all?

One chance

Hermitude

I am beginning to understand why some people become hermits.  Seems like it would be very easy for me to just walk away from life and hide in a box.  Daily I feel like I am a constant disappointment to everyone in my life.  I feel the overwhelming desire to quit life…not to quit living, but to quit participating.  When my participation makes me feel unworthy and useless, why should I want to continue?  The few things that I find joy in become ammunition against me…as if happiness is something that will never be for me, just others.  Call it jealousy or call it being human, all I want to do is find my happy without anyone stepping on it.  Is that too much to ask for?

I understand isolationism is not healthy.  I also know that persistent negativity is not healthy.  Sometimes I feel like the only way to avoid negativity in my life is to disconnect from it—life that is.  I hate feeling like this.  I feel disjointed, fractured and dissonant.  Each day that I climb out of bed is a victory, especially when I feel like never getting up again.  People that claim to know me the best, have no idea the struggles I face every day.  Get over it.  Quit feeling sorry for yourself.  Get up and do something about it.  My response to this type of horseshit is, for you, a much easier thing for you to do. 

I wake up looking forward to time alone.  When everyone has gone to bed, I enjoy silence and non-diminishing activity.  Nobody says anything to me.  Nobody makes me feel like a burden.  Nobody makes me feel broken.  

I am not suicidal.  I do not think killing me will solve anything.  I want to run and hide.   I want to go somewhere that nobody knows my past or me.  I want to start over with nothing from my old life.  I want to go away and never see or hear from anyone I knew before.  I am fully aware that I can never do that.  My past weaves me into the person I am today, good and bad elements alike.  It does nothing to alleviate that desire to flee.  So for now, I stay where I am and hope desperately for a change. 

Constitutional value

I am cruising along on a popular social media site and I am seeing a large influx of anti-freedom images.  More specifically, there are images of people standing on the flag, chanting in support of ignorance with regard to NC’s new trans-phobic law, and a certain group of lawmakers refusing to do their jobs.  One may question how these things related. They are all matters of Constitutional significance.

As for the images of a person (whether they are white, black, yellow, or red) standing on the flag, I do not support their decision to do that but I respect their right to do so.  The first amendment to the Constitution protects individual expression of their beliefs.  It does not say that it only protects those who are just and upstanding citizens, demonstrating their undying patriotism.  I am not agreeing that these people should be standing on the flag, but that I agree that it is their right to do so.  You can call me un-American if you like.  That is the beauty of living in the US.  You can have your opinion, no matter how skewed I feel it is, and it is ok.   

As for the NC trans-phobic law, I feel that it violates the 14^th amendment by singling out a distinct set of individuals and setting them aside, opening them up for not only embarrassment for bringing to light that they pee just like you, but also for making them feel like they are violating their instinct.  I would like to see businesses making unisex restrooms in public places.  We as Americans have a difficult time letting go of our puritan roots.  This is the 21^st century folks.  What are we going to do when ET visits...show them how we discriminate and segregate our population based on how they pee?  Sounds ridiculous does it not.  Yes, bathrooms have long been the fodder of sexual predators.  In my own experience, I have seen my share of public restroom sex.  Changing the gender of the participants will not likely do anything to increase or decrease this activity.  Honestly, these people just want to pee in a comfortable environment.

As for the lawmakers, where do I begin?  I guess I begin with regard to the latest obstructionism…Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution provides that the president "shall nominate, and by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, shall appoint ... judges of the Supreme Court."  The president has done his part.  The Senate needs to do their job and hear the nomination and either confirm or deny the nomination.  By refusing to hear the nomination, they are blatantly shredding the Constitution by conveniently discarding 250 years of precedent and obstructing the president as it has the entire last 7 years.  The job of the senate is to make laws.  The job of the Supreme Court is to interpret those laws.  Nearly every challenge brought against the policies of the president resulted in a constitutionally sound verdict.  You people lost.  Let it go already. 

The US Constitution is the single greatest document ever created in the history of the world.  It is the basis of the establishment of freedom for the United States and all of its parts.  The many amendments account for the changing views of the populace, and even having been re-amended to remove certain amendments.  The flexibility of the document is its greatest strength. 

All of these items are just my opinion based on the information I have available to me today.  By no means am I being disrespectful to any group or organization. 

Love is love

Today there is an unprecedented amount of gay themed music out there.  Seems like every other day I am discovering yet another musician that I love…but there is one problem.  The overwhelming theme is that of covert trysts and secret longing.  Yes, this is a great time to be alive and gay…but is this really the message we want to sell, that to be gay means secretly longing for your best friend or meeting after dark so nobody sees? 

It is true that gay men sometimes fall in love with someone that will never return that affection.  It is also true that straight men will fall for a woman the same way.  Where I have a problem is that in the majority of cases, the woman, even if uninterested, will express thanks and be made to feel special.  The gay guy is more likely to end up beaten black and blue or yelled at and demeaned, at least, for expressing the same thing. 

I live for the day when my relationship does not carry the label, different or perverted.  I live for the time when I can walk hand in hand with the man I love and have no fear of being beaten.  One might think that we live in that world…that sexuality is what it is.  We do not yet exist in that world.  Sex and sexuality are still subjects that are taboo.  Humanity is making progress in that direction, but still has miles to go. 

I never understood the same but less theory of existing.  There are many instances of this in history, all met with equal failure.  That for a reason of biology I am less.  Be it skin color, disability, sexuality, gender, hair color, eye color…that someone is less of a person is ludicrous.  That my love for a man cannot create life, it is invalid…is just as ludicrous. 

Love is love. 

All love needs respect.

All people deserve the opportunity to love and to have that love returned.