What do I want???

Tonight I found myself sitting here in front of my computer, thinking about what I really want in my life.  The scary thing?  I have not a clue what it is that I really want.  I can think of a million things that i might like to have or do, but nothing that I really, really want.  So how do I overcome this?  I could list some things that I think I might want, perhaps that will lead me to my desire. 

I would like to have a boyfriend, but do I really want it?  I don't know.  Having a boyfriend means I lose my freedom to roam the country.  I would have to settle down somewhere.  Which reminds me,  I would like to move out of Maine.  But, moving would mean I have to pack up everything...again...and carry it to the next place that I will complain about.  No matter where it is I want to go I will still have that particular obstacle to overcome.  Even if I did manage to find a great guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, will I let go enough to make it real?  I don't know.  I am not sure I have that capacity anymore.  Things have happened in my life to make me wary of giving way to emotion.  I mean logically, I do want that, but not sure if I do emotionally.  There really is no way for me to say for sure what I want or what I can do until the situation presents itself.  Am I ready to handle that kind of commitment?  Truth is I really do not know. At any rate, I think that I need to get myself together first.  Then I will see what I want at that time. 

Until then, I will keep on doing what I do and being who I am. 

Mental Illness: I Am vs. I Have

There is a stigma growing in this country.  Many people mistakenly associate mental illness only with things like schizophrenia, insanity, and the like.  The truth is, there are way more illnesses than that.  In fact there is a whole spectrum of illnesses that affect mental states.  Here is a link (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml) that touches on the frequency and saturation of mental illness in the United States.  One would no more say "I am cancer" or "I am diabetes", though people insist on saying "I am depressed".  Though I may be depressed at times, I am not depression.  I do however have depression (and a couple other things too).  Depression is a mental illness and not a state of being. It is important to understand the distinction.   One cannot be a disease, though one can have many.  Many people do not understand how a mental illness can be damaging or how it can erode over time.  An example I like to use is a river.  A river can be peaceful and calming; though over time can carve very large canyons out of solid rock.  That is sort of how depression works.  In the beginning, there are small episodes that are easily overcome-like water over rocks.  Over time, those episodes become deeper and harder to get out of-think white water rapids.  As in my case, a particular event might trigger the deepest and darkest depression that is just insurmountable-this is the grand canyon or a giant waterfall.  That is not to say that I will not ever come out of it, but rather that I cannot do it alone.  Many folks at some point in their lives will take an anti-depressant like Zoloft for a short time and never need it again. Then again, some will never be able to live without one. 

Depression is a silent killer.  Why?  Because we do not talk about it.  Suicide is a common result of mental illness.  All persons that commit suicide have depression or some other mental disorder.  There is a large amount of negativity associated with mental disorders.  The news tell us about how this kid was depressed enough to shoot a bunch of kids (Columbine and Newtown) at a school, or how this kid or that kid committed suicide.  The common thread?  They all had mental disorders that were never addressed.  It is important for people to recognize that all people that have a mental disorder are not violent though, in fact many famous people had a mental disorder-Abraham Lincoln, Virginia Woolf, Lionel Aldridge, Ludwig van Beethoven, Leo Tolstoy, John Keats, Vincent Van Gogh, Isaac Newton, Ernest Hemingway to name a few (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Helpline1&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=4858).  Where would we be without these people?  The truth is that many people with mental illnesses can function and lead productive lives, though the few that cannot, are in the news almost weekly reinforcing the negativity associated with mental disorders.  The answer to this problem is to recognize the symptoms and signs of mental illness.

Here are a couple of links that might help:
http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/mi-and-the-family/recognizing-warning-signs-and-how-to-cope

http://www.psychiatry.org/mental-health/more-topics/warning-signs-of-mental-illness


According to the link (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml) at the National Institute for Mental Health (NIMH), 1 in 4 (roughly 26%) of people have a diagnosable mental illness though only 6% are diagnosed with a serious mental disorder.  Take a close look at your friends.  If you have more than 4 close friends, you can be sure that one of them has a mental illness, whether it has been diagnosed or not. 

Missing people...

There are days when I miss people in my past more than anything.  Sometimes it makes life hard to live knowing that they have gotten past it and I have not.  This morning I am sitting in my kitchen listening to music and that song comes on...you know the one...the one that has imprinted on my mind that one person that I cannot seem to get over.  I sit and reminisce and wax melancholy... wallowing in my depression over choices made that can never be unmade.  What might have happened will never be known to me...and it hurts.  It feels like sometimes people walk into my life to bitchslap me to remind me that I am human and not a machine...feelings come with the package.  Then I fall into an isolationist frame of mind.  Wanting to hide from the world and pretend that the emotions do not bother me, when underneath that still calm exterior, rages a maelstrom of emotion that is no where near as composed as I look.  I pretend that I am ok when I am not.  I pretend that I do not care when I really do care.  I feel like I am losing myself to this darkness.  The feelings are so close to the surface, but I cannot allow myself to let go and feel them. 

Funny how one thing can create a hole in my soul so deep that I cannot see the way out. 

Freedoms?? I think not!

As I sit in my bed reading the news this morning, I am confronted with a sad truth.  It seems that despite progress made since 1964 (Equal Rights Amendment of 1964) we are as bigoted as ever.  What I mean by this is that we (Americans) hate just as readily now as before, just that the target is different.  Islam seems to be the preferred target.  Though I am not a proponent for Islam, I feel that they deserve the same religious tolerance I get from our Constitution.  If you dive into the meat of Islam, you will find that they too abhor the type of violence we are seeing in the world.  Religious extremism should be our target, not Islam.  I am sure that if you have not been hiding under a rock, the Westboro Baptist Church (godhatesfags.com) will have been noticed.  They are just as extreme as any of the radical Islamic people out there.  Their message is just as poisonous to American culture.  Though I do NOT agree with their message, I declare that they too have a right to exist.  Why, do you ask?  Because our Constitution guarantees religious freedom and freedom of expression.  If they were not allowed to exist, our Constitution will have failed us and we may as well draw up the world around us and become as corrupt as the same zealous religions we are hating.  Again, I do NOT agree with their message.
In this light, I come across the article in USA Today about Tamerlan Tsarnaev being denied burial.  I agree that he participated in a heinous crime against humanity, but he is dead now.  He paid the ultimate price for his treachery.  Why are people denying him the right to burial?  Because he committed a crime??  What about Bundy, Dahmer, or the other myriad of murderers that have died (or been executed) over the years?   What gives them the right to be buried and not Tamerlan?  Because he is Islamic, that's why.
Since September 11, 2001, the world has been bombarded with anti-Islamic tainted news stories designed to keep fear and loathing alive.  Everyday I see news stories about Al Qaeda and radicalized Islamic insurgency--11 Americans Die, 4 Americans Die, etc...Never do we hear about the peaceful Islamic people fighting against the radical ones.  Do not think for a second that I am pro-Islam, I am not, but nor am I anti-Islam.  I am pro-peace, and pro-coexistence.  The United States was built on cultural diversity and differences.  As long as we perpetuate this negative view of cultural difference, we will fail to be all the USA was meant to be. 
In conclusion, I would like to close with a quote from one of the most famous American Patriots, Ben Franklin.  "Those who would sacrifice freedom for security deserve neither."  Despite the actual meaning of the quote being obscure, I feel that it brings home an important point.  The USA was built on freedoms...if we continue to give them away in the name of security, then we deserve what we get.  The USA PATRIOT Act of 2001, in my opinion, was the biggest breach of liberty ever experienced in the US.  It continues to illicit fear and hatred of different cultures in the name of security. 

Why?

These days i am confronted with a knowledge that things are never as they seem.  I am especially speaking of relationships with people.  How is it that one can say they love a person, yet their body language and actions convey the completely opposite message?  It matters not if the person is a friend, relative, or a significant other.  The result is always the same.  One person ends up giving more of their heart to the relationship than the other and that one ends up feeling used and abused.  That is not to say that we do  this without being aware.  Sometimes we walk into a relationship knowing that it will be hard to maintain, yet we consistently do it over and over again.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  I think it is because we all need intimacy in our lives.  I am not speaking necessarily of physical intimacy (but that counts too) but intimacy of the soul.  To reach out to a person who knows you for who you are, warts and all, and not be afraid.  This quest for intimacy, at least for me, has resulted in a number of close friends all over the US, as well as a lover or two in the past.  Yet here I sit wondering if and when the next relationship will be different--wondering if the next partner will be "the one" that will equal my commitment.  Without a doubt, I am not (can not possibly be?) the only person in the world that realizes this.  One day perhaps....I remain cautiously optimistic that there is someone out there (other than my close friends--you know who you are) that would be willing to put their heart on the line...to reach out and touch a soul...

Looking for love

warning:  the article below has some mature language and adult concepts.  if you are offended easily-do not read it.

being gay in today's world is as easy and as hard as it has ever been.  The advent of the internet has made it easy for one to put themselves out there and be seen, while at the same time never leaving the safety of your computer screen.  There are numerous sites out there that will allow you for free... and for a fee...to place an ad much like you would see in an article in the personals column...with a twist.  Getting up the courage to message that hot guy two towns over, is easy as ever.  One can “looking for fuckbuddy” or “looking for a friend” all from the comfort of your easy chair.  That is where the problem lies.  Gone are the days where one would have to shower, shave, decide what to wear, buy condoms, fix the hair, and pretty up to go to the bar in hopes of finding mister right or mister right now.   It has become so bad in fact that the number of ads and personal “hookup” sites are increasing with alarming speed, while at the same time the actual number of people doing the “hooking up” is decreasing.   I know personally of 2 such sites that have people from all over my state that are currently looking for friends, hookups, or LTR's.  The sad thing is that we all are spending all this time on these sites looking for something in a picture.  Yup you heard right...we are looking for mates in pictures.  When we used to have to get ready to go to the bar by doing all the stuff i listed above, we actually had to make an effort to look good and smell good so that somebody might take the initiative and buy us a drink to break the ice.  Not that there aren't the same problems at the bars, but the odds of meeting someone face to face in a bar seems much more friendly than sending a message  “nice ass dude” or “got any cock pix?”  It seems to me that by making the effort to go out and meet people, one would increase their own self worth (or self loathing...i am equal opportunity here  :)  ).  let's face it...i would much rather take a chance to meet the perfect guy (or at least a decent guy...hell who am i kidding any guy will do) by bumping into them in a bar than by accepting an invitation “to view my webcam” any day.  The person in front of you in the bar is a living breathing person, not just a digitally transmitted image over the internet (much like the images one would see on television and probably just as attainable as the hunk in that movie you watched the other night).  Honestly, i think we have become so addicted to the notion of anonymity that it has just become easier to send that pic or message.  We can be free to express ourselves in pictures (doing things that we would never do in public) either with or without clothes.  Hopefully some time in the future we can go back to the good old days and have to go outside our homes to meet people.  I am not a technophobe, in fact i belong to those 2 sites i mentioned above.  It was when i was chatting with a friend that i never met (and probably never will) that i realized how very alone i am. Sure i can talk to any person anywhere in the world with nothing more than a click of my mouse, but really who are they?  Will i ever get to know the people i am talking to?  Some of them have seen more of me than my own family has (or ever will if i can help it).  That is what i am talking about...i have pictures of myself...you know...down there...on the internet.  Anyone that has an internet connection anywhere in the world can see what genetics and the glory of god have given me...and that scares me (and excites me a little).  All i really want is to find a special someone to share all my gifts (and problems) with...and someone that will share theirs with me...is that really too much to ask for? 

Honesty

The whole politically correct way of thinking has polluted us.  We have become so determined not to offend someone that we have completely let go of our own values.  I have discovered in my life that it is far better to say what you really mean than to beat around the bush and placate someone’s ego.  If I like you, you know it and likewise if I don’t you will also know it.  My friends all like that quality about me.  They never have to wonder what it is I am trying to say.  I am ready to give my opinion on any given subject and am not afraid of getting my feelings hurt—though sometimes the truth does hurt.  I am not one to hold a grudge about a person expressing their opinion and do not get the concept.  When I see something that is wrong, I have before hurt myself to prove a point.  What I mean by that is that I will stand on a principal that I believe strongly all the way…I am flexible though and if I am shown that my way of thinking is wrong, I will change my perspective—I am not France though!  Sometimes, it is not about who is right, but standing up for my values and being willing to take peripheral damage as a result.    Where would we be as a people if we had been candy coating the truth?  We would probably all be speaking pure German or Russian by now…for clarification English is a Germanic derivative language as opposed to being a romance—Latin—language.  I guess the bottom line is, let’s stop being so supersensitive when someone says something.  Odds are they did not really say anything false; they just have an issue with finesse.  Really, when was the last time you heard the unadulterated truth?  It probably was something you really needed to hear and may not have been understood had it not been done that way.  I guess what I am really trying to say is that I am not interested in someone being my friend because I know how to flatter them, but would rather someone like me for who I am.