There are days when I miss people in my past more than anything. Sometimes it makes life hard to live knowing that they have gotten past it and I have not. This morning I am sitting in my kitchen listening to music and that song comes on...you know the one...the one that has imprinted on my mind that one person that I cannot seem to get over. I sit and reminisce and wax melancholy... wallowing in my depression over choices made that can never be unmade. What might have happened will never be known to me...and it hurts. It feels like sometimes people walk into my life to bitchslap me to remind me that I am human and not a machine...feelings come with the package. Then I fall into an isolationist frame of mind. Wanting to hide from the world and pretend that the emotions do not bother me, when underneath that still calm exterior, rages a maelstrom of emotion that is no where near as composed as I look. I pretend that I am ok when I am not. I pretend that I do not care when I really do care. I feel like I am losing myself to this darkness. The feelings are so close to the surface, but I cannot allow myself to let go and feel them.
Funny how one thing can create a hole in my soul so deep that I cannot see the way out.
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