Tonight I found myself sitting here in front of my computer, thinking about what I really want in my life. The scary thing? I have not a clue what it is that I really want. I can think of a million things that i might like to have or do, but nothing that I really, really want. So how do I overcome this? I could list some things that I think I might want, perhaps that will lead me to my desire.
I would like to have a boyfriend, but do I really want it? I don't know. Having a boyfriend means I lose my freedom to roam the country. I would have to settle down somewhere. Which reminds me, I would like to move out of Maine. But, moving would mean I have to pack up everything...again...and carry it to the next place that I will complain about. No matter where it is I want to go I will still have that particular obstacle to overcome. Even if I did manage to find a great guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, will I let go enough to make it real? I don't know. I am not sure I have that capacity anymore. Things have happened in my life to make me wary of giving way to emotion. I mean logically, I do want that, but not sure if I do emotionally. There really is no way for me to say for sure what I want or what I can do until the situation presents itself. Am I ready to handle that kind of commitment? Truth is I really do not know. At any rate, I think that I need to get myself together first. Then I will see what I want at that time.
Until then, I will keep on doing what I do and being who I am.
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