Out of time?

As mother's day approaches, I find myself sitting here reminiscing about mom.  This will mark the second mother's day since her death.  Besides thinking about mom, I find myself also thinking about my own mortality.  Both of my parents died in  their 60's and I am but 14 years from 60.  I know death is inevitable, but I am scared.  Will I outlive my siblings, or the other way around?  There are many things I still want to do, yet I am afraid I am running out of time.  Anxiety about the future fills my days and tortures my nights.  I am feeling that no matter what I do, I will not complete the things I want to complete in my life.

In therapy, I told my therapist about my feelings of insignificance.  Of how I felt smaller than a single grain of sand on a beach.  Some days, that feeling overwhelms me.  The mundane things like dishes or laundry lose all significance as they will continue forever whereas I will not.  I do not fear poverty nor do I aspire to become wealthy.  Life is too short to waste it working my fingers to the bone only to die never having enjoyed the simple things.

I am moving to Arizona soon.  My siblings do not understand why.  I moved to Maine to be with my mom at the end of her days.  After she passed, I feel like my life is paused.  I feel like this book is completed and I am walking around directionless, waiting for a signal or a push one way or another.  Arizona will be my new book.  I will begin to live again and find pleasure is existence, where I find only melancholy and sadness here.  I feel like I only have another 20 years of living left and I am not going to waste it trying to live up to someone Else's ideal of how life should be.  I will live as I want to live...free...