What a great time to be alive

For many years, I lived a lie to gain approval (which never happened).  So far in the last 11 years, we have gone from DOMA (defense of marriage act), DADT (don't ask don't tell), and a majority of states passing legislation declaring "marriage" as a union between one man and one woman, to marriage equality in all states and territories of the US.  Today, July 16, 2015, the EEOC (equal employment opportunity commission) declared that sexual orientation is blanketed into the Civil Rights Act 0f 1964.  I honestly do not understand why it was such a big deal.  Many religious folk try to quote the bible (small b on purpose) about man lying with man being a sin.  What they omit is the rest of the chapter where women are chattel and have no rights, eating of shellfish, wearing mixed clothing (cotton and wool together), and mixing of crops being sins, to name just a few points.  I am not here to beat down the religious.  I think religion has it's points, both good and bad.  What I am here to say, is why is it that something I do, in my bed, privately, should be a topic of your derision?  How am I interfering with your life by living mine?  You don't approve of same sex marriage? Don't marry a person of the same sex...your religious beliefs prevent you from accepting SSM?  By all means, find a career where you do not have to deal with gay folk...just remember that the next time you need flowers or decorating ideas.  All of the people stepping down from public jobs because they do not want to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples need to understand that in the US there is a separation of church and state.  This means that laws that are based on religious idealism are unconstitutional.  Marriage as we know it today, is a civil contract between 2 people that wish to share all of the rights and privileges given to married folk.  Gays do not want to force churches to marry them nor do we want to force businesses to deal with us.  Where we have an issue is when businesses open to the public refuse to serve us because we are gay.  In 1964, the Civil Rights Act was passed.  This gave protection to people with regard to color, race, religion, national origin, and sex.  Back in 1964, there were people quitting their government service jobs because of interracial marriage (Loving v. West Virginia).  A person serving in a governmental capacity, issuing marriage licenses, marrying people, or providing a public service, are obligated to perform the same service to all regardless.  I guess this too shall pass...in twenty years we will all be looking around wondering what all the fuss was about...the world did not end, marriage did not crumble, and the gates of hell did not open up.

Like those alive in the 60's, today is a great time to be alive.

Not Fair!

Why is it that the guys that I have cared about have moved on and into other relationships, while I am still alone and lonely?? 

I am a sweet guy...I have above average intelligence, a wide range of interests, a decent handle on tech, and I know my way around the bedroom.  So what is it that makes guys walk all over me then walk out?  Some of the excuses were wild...one guy was mad because I would not use him...his words...for things...apparently all of his other relationships were based on what he could provide...another told me I could never give him kids...and yet another thought he was in love with me, then got hooked up with a girl...and another though he loved me, but not as much as I loved him so he figured it was not fair to me...since when is it ok for other people to tell me what I want or how I want it?  I give because I want to...I share because I know what it is like to be isolated...I touch because I know what it is like to not be touched...

All I really want is someone that will be honest with me...that's it...if you don't feel it, don't say it today then walk away next week...I am not a mind reader...how can I know what you want unless you tell me?  I have intelligence...that does not mean I am psychic or can see the future...I have been told that I lack common sense when it comes to emotions...I don't take hints...I tend to see things in a larger image than most folks...that does not mean I don't care about small issues, but that I don't see them most of the time...just because I did not notice your haircut, does not mean I quit caring about you...just that I have other things on my mind and feel that it is your head, wear your hair like you like to, not for my preference.  I will love you regardless...

I guess I need to make out a character sheet with all my likes, dislikes, good points, and bad so that I can explain things from the beginning...before I invest my time into you or yours into me...

Sometimes I think Sheldon has it right when it comes to relationships...get it all written down and acknowledged before hand, so that if any questions arise in the future, I can point to our "friendship agreement" or "relationship agreement" so that there is no mistake.  Other times I envy people that wear their feelings...I cannot do that...I don't know how...all I know to to is write it down and try to explain why I seem cold and despondent about  this thing that means the world to you...it's not that I don't care...just that I don't know how I am supposed to feel about it or I really don't understand your excitement...am I really that different than everyone else??

Something is bothering me...

Over the last 40 years, I have found myself looking in the rearview mirror and wondering if it was all worth the sacrifice.  I gave up jobs, friends, boyfriends, and happiness to care for others in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I would not do it any differently were I given a do-over, but I can't help but wonder what my life would be like were I to have not given up these things and allowed myself to have a normal life.  Something tells me that it would not have been like I think, but rather it would make me a different person. 

I see people, every day, complaining about work, the bills, the car note, and their spouse.  They work so hard for things that really do not mean a thing.  Let me explain...Let's say "Bob" is married to "Susan" and has 2 kids...one each, boy and girl...Bob gets up at 4AM to get ready for work.  His wife also gets up at that time, because she too has to work.  Because they both work, they have to have 2 cars.  Their kids are not old enough for school yet, so, moms pay goes almost completely to child care.  Dad has to work 2 jobs just to earn enough to make the bills and have a little for saving.  Because the world is as it is, the cost of everything is rising faster than the income levels.  As a result, Dad will likely die young...50-65...of either a heart attack, or cirrhosis from alcoholism.  You see, he gets up so early and works so late, he has to have something to relax him enough to sleep.  If he is fortunate enough...most are not...to have a job that offers vacation, then he will have 2 weeks a year to get to know his kids enough to remember their names. 

I do not see the draw.  I mean, I believe folks should work for what they have, but not like this.  I know this is going to sound odd coming from me, but, I think that we should resort to the barter system.  It would work like this...there would be no money...debts would be goods or services owed to a local person for a good or service that you need.  For example, the pig farmer only grows pigs.  The vegetable farmer grows only vegetables.  So, the pig farmer would supply pork the the vegetable farmer and vice versa.  Everyone would have what they need to live, yet be able to feed their family and have relationships with them.  Sure, in the global economy it would have to be tweaked a bit.  But even then, it could be done.  People would get up in the morning and begin crafting something while teaching the kids to carry on after.  It would be a self sustaining society.  Arts and crafts would make a come back as everyone likes pretties in their life, whether is is a song, poem, sonnet, painting, or table.  Everything would have value.  Sure some folks would try to value their good or service higher than the others...it is human nature...but even human nature can be taught.   After a time, money would be forgotten and would hold no weight. 

Realistically, I know that will not happen for quite a while...unless there is an apocalypse...then who knows...until then, I will keep looking for things to change, and hope that mankind does not greed itself to death...

Not Sure

Today, I am irritated.  People talk AT me and wonder why I snap.  I am not so overly sensitive that I cannot have a conversation, yet invariably, when I do, I get irritated.  Some folk say that I never answer when talked AT...my response?  I did not know you were talking to me or I am thinking...see unlike many people today, I like to think about what I want to say, before I say something wrong or hurtful.  Yet it is always my fault when things go wonky.  I do not like to argue.  Simple.  I choose to not say anything and keep being annoyed inside, to prevent me from hurting someone's feelings because "I don't understand why you are upset."  I guess my priorities are different.  If I do not want to do X, I think about the argument that will come if I don't go...so I go and say nothing.  After a while, I want to be alone and think my way past the annoyance...then it becomes me being anti-social...and yet another argument.  So instead of me saying, No I do not want to do X, avoiding the annoyance, I instead go, get annoyed, want to be alone to decompress, and cause the very argument I was trying to avoid in the first place and on top of it all, I have my annoyance to boot. 

I know why I do it, just not how to make others around me aware of why I do it.  I hate owing anybody anything.  I have always been sufficient to meet my needs.  Now, I am not.  And I hate it.  So, out of a feeling of obligation, I feel like I have to go along with X, to avoid hurting anyone's feelings and feeling like I am ungrateful if I don't.  My patience is growing thin with this.  There are some days I just want to leave, not say a word to anyone, and just disappear.  Would it solve my problem?  Nope.  But I would have my dignity back.  I am feeling more obligated every day.  In turn, I am also feeling more ungrateful...which annoys me.  So no matter what I do, I am going to be annoyed.  I guess I will see what happens and hope I can make it past it without cracking up.  Until then, I am not sure....

(variable) x

Some days I feel like I am not speaking the same language as those around me.  I somehow miss important (to the speaker) cues as to the correct response--whether verbal or otherwise.  It has been brought to my attention, that I sometimes (always) have no clue why a person is upset with something I said, or a particular thought process.  I fail to see why a person would think that I was being negative by declaring that we will gain (variable) x instead of "Capital, Underlined, Italics X."  The difference is minute (in my mind) yet others somehow get the idea that I am cursing the "CUI X" noted above to fail when in my mind, I feel that I am remaining open to other possibilities.  If it were a Venn diagram, CUI X would fall into (variable) x. 

I see things very differently than others.  I tend to see life as a big giant variable x where anything could happen and often does.  I do not see the need to name x as CUI X, as I see it as belonging to the set already and as Murphy likes to insert his humor into the equation, it might not be CUI X but UIC B instead (which incidentally is also in [variable] x.)  Regardless of which option works out, I cannot be disappointed because I considered every possibility in the "x" whereas the other listed options named a specific point inside of "x."  How could that possibly be construed as negative thinking??? 

It seems in life that some folk get so hung up on a specific X that they cannot see any other possibilities.  It really makes no difference what X means, but if X does not happen, folks often will get pissy and mad.  I choose instead to live (variable) x as it includes every possibility.  It is the epitome of positivity.  How could I ever be disappointed when X is included in (variable) x as is B, C, T, etc...

In conclusion, I do sometimes fail to understand others perspective.  Though in truth, my perspective is just as misunderstood.  In the future, I will try to make others understand what I mean without getting upset.  I guess it would be too much to ask for the same courtesy??

Out of time?

As mother's day approaches, I find myself sitting here reminiscing about mom.  This will mark the second mother's day since her death.  Besides thinking about mom, I find myself also thinking about my own mortality.  Both of my parents died in  their 60's and I am but 14 years from 60.  I know death is inevitable, but I am scared.  Will I outlive my siblings, or the other way around?  There are many things I still want to do, yet I am afraid I am running out of time.  Anxiety about the future fills my days and tortures my nights.  I am feeling that no matter what I do, I will not complete the things I want to complete in my life.

In therapy, I told my therapist about my feelings of insignificance.  Of how I felt smaller than a single grain of sand on a beach.  Some days, that feeling overwhelms me.  The mundane things like dishes or laundry lose all significance as they will continue forever whereas I will not.  I do not fear poverty nor do I aspire to become wealthy.  Life is too short to waste it working my fingers to the bone only to die never having enjoyed the simple things.

I am moving to Arizona soon.  My siblings do not understand why.  I moved to Maine to be with my mom at the end of her days.  After she passed, I feel like my life is paused.  I feel like this book is completed and I am walking around directionless, waiting for a signal or a push one way or another.  Arizona will be my new book.  I will begin to live again and find pleasure is existence, where I find only melancholy and sadness here.  I feel like I only have another 20 years of living left and I am not going to waste it trying to live up to someone Else's ideal of how life should be.  I will live as I want to live...free...

spelling disaster

I just got done looking at posts on Facebook and I am appalled.  I look at the people that wrote these posts and I wonder how and why they graduated.  Is this how kids are coming out of school?  Unable to read, unable to write cursive, unable to read cursive, and unable to spell anything...what happened?  I have a thought on why...no child left behind...I think that if a kid cannot get grades good enough to get to the next grade, they should not.  I remember when I was in high school.  I had a horrible time in my 9th grade English class.  It was not because I could not spell, read or write, but because I did not do my work.  So, I had to take it again and not move up to the 10th grade.  I learned to get my work done and on the second attempt, I passed with a B.  If I had been passed to the next grade, it would not likely have damaged my ability to read and write, but, it would not have been fair to the other kids that worked hard to get their work done and turned in on time.  It would have sent a message that it did not matter whether I learned anything or not, I would still get passed to the next grade.  I think this is wrong.  Parents are not willing (or able it seems) to help their kids with their work as they are just as likely to be illiterate as their kids.  It is an indictment to the United States education system that kids are allowed to graduate without having the basic skills of reading and writing.  I am not saying that other classes are not important, but that without a fundamental knowledge of reading and writing, the other subjects become meaningless.  I think it would be like being dropped in Japan, never having learned Japanese, and being expected to learn Japanese History written in Japanese.  It would literally be impossible to learn anything in that class.  When we allow our kids to get a free pass to graduation, we do them a disservice as well as causing issues with employment and the economy.  A kid that cannot read or write, has limited potential as a wage earner and will likely remain in the lower end of the scale.  That is not to say that all people that can read and write will ascend the ladder, but they at least have a better chance than the illiterate one.  A secondary effect of the "no child left behind" is the rise of secondary schools that have ridiculously lowered the standard for admittance.  It is not uncommon (I saw this personally) for students to fail entrance exams several times before gaining admittance.  Not only is it not fair to the student to expect them to compete with others academically, but it is unfair to the American taxpayer who has to foot the bill for all the high interest loans that pay for the privilege of going to that school, which in turn will likely get defaulted on because the "graduate" will not have learned anything relevant to their employment aspirations. 

I understand that there are special needs kids out there that require specialized instruction.  These kids can be taught basic life skills as well as reading and writing.  There is no reason for a country with the clout the USA has, to justify graduating kids that cannot read.  If their is a special need, then accommodate that need...but do not automatically let them graduate because it is time.  If they cannot read, they cannot graduate.  Period. 

Think of it this way...the kids we are allowing to graduate without basic academic skills are the same kids that will be taking care of us as we age...they are going to control the world...they are the ones that will decide whether to go to war or not...very scary thought is it not?