My Personal Spider

The title of this essay is a metaphor for those things that we are all irrationally in fear of.   Many people are irrationally afraid of spiders, so thus, the title.  Delving into the mental processes of people, one will find a myriad of fears from spiders to people.  My personal spiders are just as elusive as those pesky eight legged things.  I have a tendency to face my fears head on and overcome them so that they lose their power over me.  Now that being said, the one thing I can think of off the top of my head, that I cannot seem to overcome, is the fear of success.  I don’t mean making a ton of money or becoming a whiz at something:  I mean, who doesn’t want those things?  So, what I do mean is that I am afraid of becoming known.  I am a writer and am currently in process on 3 different books-one of which is a multi-volume series and another is a volume of poetry.  There are famous writers in my family and as such the success I am seeking I want to be my own, not as the relative of so-and-so.  That is my fear.  I know it is an irrational fear as there are no guarantees that I will ever become successful at writing (on my own or anyone else’s merit), nevermind famous.    Despite the fear, I do continue to write and create, though I am reluctant to seek publishing.  In my heart I know I want it, but on the other hand I am scared to death that I will succeed at some point.  What causes this fear?  Why would I not run into the fire of fame and infamy?  I mean, I am certain that I am not afraid of failure—I have a ton of experience in that arena.   Perhaps I am afraid of notoriety of possibly changing the person I am.  We all know that person that went on to make themselves famous and that person changed on a fundamental level.  Not that they became a bad person, but that the notoriety necessitated distancing them from the mainstream.  Along with notoriety comes the negative aspect of stalkers or people that are so jealous of a person’s success that they have no option than to hurt them.   An example of that kind of problem is most notably remembered and mourned in the Selena murder.  Not that I ever expect that kind of fame, but who knows what exists in the future.   If there is just one thing I want anyone to take from this essay, it’s that one cannot let their personal spider stand in the way of one’s happiness.  I am trying to kill my personal spider by exposing my work to the world and sharing my vulnerability with it.   So arm yourself with all the courage you can muster and charge into it.  If you never try to confront your fears, you will never overcome them.

Christopher Rei