Realization

There comes a time in a man's life when he must accept that the time for love has passed.  That is not to say that I need to give up...not at all...just that I should not expect miracles.  I keep getting myself into situations where the other guy is much younger than me and he really digs me...but then our age difference comes out in odd ways...he likes to smoke a bit...I don't...he likes to stay up all night...I can't...he likes hard music...I like top 40/80's...the reason I guess that i keep falling into this trap is that younger guys have more in common with me than guys my own age...I have learned over time that 40+ guys tend to be glued to the grind...seems that they have lost their will for adventure and new things...they rarely have any interest in computers (this is a must as I am a major technocrat)...I need my games and my assortment of devices...I do not do this to fit in (or not as it were)...it is a real genuine interest...there is nothing that I like more than to wipe a computer and install Linux/Hackintosh or some other random operating system just to see if I can...when I get tired of it, I tend to my Macs...but as a result, I am finding myself in the middle somewhere...too old for the guys that I share some commonality with and too young (minded anyway) for the guys my age...so what do I do??  I don't exactly live in the most populated place in the state...if i were a skunk, moose, deer, or any other northeastern animal, I would be all set...

This how I come to the conclusion that  just need to forget about trying to meet anyone...it is pointless...the last time I let my heart control, I got hurt in a bad way...the boy loved me and I genuinely loved him...but he could not allow himself to be seen loving me...so, it ended...and my heart broke...I was a mess for literally a year...had no desire for anyone or anything...cried for him on a regular basis...I used to stalk him on Facebook just to see that he was ok...and then I would get depressed because he was and I was not...Eventually the emotion chilled and I could again listen to Adele without blubbering every time I heard her play...and then I lost my mom...begin round 2 of my emotional demise...she was my saviour and champion...she was the one I could tell anything and never get judged for it...even if she thought it was wrong...she was the reason I had for getting out of bed some days...then she died and left me alone...for a while I was bereft of emotion at all...more computer than man...I could not feel anything...oh I could be melancholy and moody...but never could close the deal...think of like sneezing...I could get the AH just fine, but never the CHOO...then I started coming out of my shell and started liking this other guy...of course he was also way too young for me...but that never stopped me before...he liked me as well from what I could tell...then somewhere things went wonky...I am not going to blame the whole failure on him...but I will say that if he would have asked me to come with him to the moon, I would have gone...but he did not...instead he kept comparing himself to the other boy...anyway...over time, he seemed to drift away and me being who I am, I did nothing to stop it...Oh I felt pain...just not as deeply...I am still mourning my mom and learning how to CHOO...

So yeah...here I am...alone in my room...like I always am...wondering how to get fulfillment in my life...wondering how to get happy...wondering how to love again...or if I even can take it again...so for now, I am closing up shop...no more emotions and no more feelings...going to put them all away and pretend that I am completely fulfilled with my computers and my games...

How free is freedom??

I have been reading a post on Facebook today that has gotten me to thinking and to be honest, it made me quite upset...seems that there is a group in NYC (could literally be anywhere in the US though) of Muslim folks that had a parade to celebrate their heritage...folks have gone off the deep end over this event calling for "the pigs" to be sent home..."beheaded"..."hung"...and many other different but same ways to die or be deported along with calls to deport POTUS as well...

Now, I am an American citizen...I was born here and I love my country and our Constitution and the freedoms that it gives me...the same it gives all of those hurtful people on FB to say what they said with impunity...what I have a problem with is that these same folks who are utilizing their constitutional right to free speech to say what they feel about this event, are trying to strip the Muslim folk of their constitutional rights to freedom of religion, free speech, and freedom of assembly...think about it for a second...please feel free to substitute any group in the world...Westboro Baptist Church...the Church of LDS...the Republicans...Democrats...Gays...Blacks...Jews...and everybody would be up in arms about violating the constitutional rights of X group to express themselves...we cannot stand on the Constitution, use the freedoms that it guarantees to try to restrict or remove another group's rights because they go against what you believe...I am almost ashamed to be called an American with all of that nonsense...sure I don't believe in Allah, God, Jesus, Jehovah or whatever you name your god...I believe in treating others as I wish to be treated...allowing others the same liberties that the Constitution guarantees me...

Please do not get me wrong...I am not for any group that is controlled by fanaticism at all...in any way...I also do not agree with religion of any kind, bigotry, racism, sexism, or any other kind of -ism out there but I do respect your RIGHT to express your views on them...

The United Sates was built on the immigration of foreign folks...on the backs of immigrants, our nation was built...our industry, our farming, our cities...

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” 

from the Statue of Liberty

 If it was good enough for them, it is good enough for me...

Out of my mind

Have you ever just had one of those days when you should never have opened your eyes?  When the passive aggressive behaviour gets so thick that you find it hard to see anything to be positive about except that bedtime is coming and thank god for doors??  I am so tired of feeling like crap, feeling like a visitor, and feeling like nothing that I might want matters...there are some days when I find it hard to WANT to climb out of bed...I go to sleep usually at around 3am...why?  because the only peace I can get is when everyone in the house is asleep or in their space for the night...I try so hard to keep the peace and to do things to make life easier for all and I never get recognition for any of it...the only thing I ever get recognized for is the one thing I DID NOT do...I am very nearly ready to walk away from all of it and find a new place to exist...existence is easy...living is hard...I really could care less about anything in my life right now...and existing in the constant negativity and passive aggressive atmosphere is killing me and my spirit...I used to think that I could do anything...now I don't even know why I ever thought I could or would even bother...it will not matter...not to me or anyone that I know...If you see me around...ignore me...I don't exist or matter....not to anyone...

dividing by zero

I am amazed by the folks around me that think that I am amazing.  People say things like "I wish I had 1/3 of your intelligence" or "you are so smart"...I don't see it...all I am is a person that likes to learn new things and am actually quite adept at it...there is really nothing special about that...on a daily basis, I find myself doing something that in retrospect, is highly stupid and I laugh out loud about it.  I have friends all over the country that will not allow anyone to work on their computer but me...keep in mind, some of these folks live 2,000 miles away...yet somehow, I always amaze them at how fast I knew what he issue was or how fast I discovered the problem, fixing it with a couple clicks of the mouse...I don't see that as amazing...any tech person worth their education can do it just as quickly and easily as me, yet I am the one they call...I wonder how much of it is my intelligence or learning...perhaps it could be the way that I try to make folks understand what I am doing and why it should be done...as an intellectual elitist (yes, I am aware, that comment will upset some folks), I have had many years experience trying to explain difficult and sometimes abstract concepts to people that have a hard time visualizing a cube without pen, paper, or an artifact to hold in their hand...my mom used to tell me that her friends all appreciated that I could explain anything without making them feel stupid...I continually spend time learning and researching things and have an ability to visualize relationships or how things relate to each other and the concept I am trying to explain...perhaps I just know how to treat a person like a person and have respect for others abilities...I am no genius (ok, so I might be), but I do realize that every person has a different set of experiences and knowledge...one might be a whiz at weaving or origami or any number of things that I wish I knew how to do...I guess it just comes down to respecting folks...I appreciate it when folks respect my knowledge and I will always return the favor...so maybe I am not dividing by zero after all...

Warts and all...

Having been on FB and other social networking sites, it is not hard to find somebody griping about something...their bf, gf, bff, politics, school, boss, or somebody else altogether.  It is the what we do not see that I am writing about today.  You see, every person you know has issues that they do not share with anyone, even you.  It is easy to forget that.  You might not know that person X has a spot on their lung that they are concerned about, or that person Y is going through a custody battle, or that person C is a caregiver for an ailing parent.  Not everyone shares all of their issues with the world, even in this day and age of instant communication.  We have become accustomed to sharing nearly every aspect of our lives with the masses, while secretly fighting our own personal battles.  Sometimes we get snarky to a friend or make an off-hand comment that can be the catalyst for an unintentional emotional rift to develop.  That funny little comment can be the straw that broke the camel's back, or in this case, the emotional tilting point.  I have some very close friends--many of whom I have known for decades.  I have also had the misfortune of both being the aggressor and the target of the aggression caused by invisible trauma that only the involved persons know about.  Today I had the misfortune of correcting a friend's grammar in a post--something I have done a million times before without consequence--and because I did not know that they were having a crisis day, I really upset that person.  This could have turned into a battle of the bitches, but thankfully it did not because after chatting a bit, I discovered what the problem was and felt like an ass, but was soon forgiven because that friend also realized that I did not know about it and that it was an innocent comment.  Our friendship will endure past this and all will be well (I hope) on the other end...

I did not write this to point at any specific person, nor to recommend walking on eggshells around everyone.  I wrote this to point out that we all have our demons and that sometimes, our demons like to get in the middle of things.  If we recognize that every snarky comment or harsh response is not a personal attack, then friendships will become stronger and that same thing that could almost destroy a beautiful friendship will help to keep it from breaking in the future.  Scarred flesh and bone is always stronger than undamaged.  I love all of my friends...and know they love me...warts and all.

something a little different...

This post I decided to do something a bit different...I decided to contrast my experiences with certain technologies...more specifically, Windows, MAC, Linux operating systems...I am not going to go too much into Android, iOS, or Win8 because frankly, I have never used anything but Android...but, if someone is willing to give me an iPhone (or iPod touch) or a Win8 phone, I would gladly delve into that arena as well..so for now, desktop/laptop OSes only. 

First on my list is the Windows machine.  It can be housed in just about any kind of case or configuration.  Therefore, it is a hard one to describe...other than to say that a huge percentage of the world uses it to get things done...most businesses run almost entirely (except for web-servers which are mostly Linux servers) on Windows platform.  Today (August of 2014), Windows 7 is the clear choice of OS with some die-hard WinXP fans still running the dinosaur...I even saw a Win98 machine the other day.  Windows Vista was almost as big a bust as Win2000 (not to say MS did not give it a hell of a try).   It was not because of the lack of features (Win7 is almost identical to Vista...minus the bugs that is) but rather because it was a radical change from hat Windows people were used to in WinXP.  Funny thing is that WinXP was just as radical a change and harbored just as much complaining.  Soon after all the driver issues were worked out, WinXP became the best selling and most widely used OS in the world (or at least the USA).

Next on my list is Linux.  Linux is a horse of a different color in that it is free...as in it is free to modify or change the source-code in any way that is desired with the simple rule that it must include the GNU license agreement.  That's it.  As for usability, there are apps for just about any task that a Win user might need but is slim on gaming.  That is not to say that there are no games, just that the mainstream has left out this niche market.  There are projects out there WiNE, Cedega, and Crossover that will allow the use of certain Win only programs (performance is not guaranteed) with a bit of tweaking.  As for how it looks, Linux seems to be following Windows for familiar design elements and to draw users from that market.  That is not to say that Linux looks like nor behaves like Windows as it clearly does not.  If you bring it to it's inner workings (minus all the fluff--read that as GUI) it behaves more like BSD which is to say like Unix...lost?  Just take my word for it or search G? for the answer to that question...I personally like the ability to make it look the way I want it to look while still being able to do what I need to get done...That being said, it is not my favorite OS.

For many years I preached the goodness and light that was Microsoft...then I went to school...Sure...MS machines are so easy to build (Linux will also run on any variation of any type machine from PPC to Intel) and will install anything with one click (got me into more trouble than I can relay here...)but for pure functionality, design, and purpose, MAC OSX wins it hands down.  Yeah yeah I know...Mac is sooo expensive, but I have a PPC G3 tower that will boot up even now...and run...sure software makers have abandoned support, but there are still people out there running OSX Tiger and yes even OS9...But I digress...OSX has only gotten better over time...no radical changes though many improvements for function...the dock is still there, the software installs the same as always, and the look of the windows have not changed throughout all the versions from Tiger all the way to Mavericks...OSX was engineered for graphics and audio processing and does a phenomenal job at it, but where I find that OSX shines is in gaming.  Yup, I said gaming.  I recently discovered gaming on my Mac.  The graphics processing power rival anything that Win or Lin could ever come up with and to top it all off, companies that have included Mac in their development are thriving.  Blizzard is one and EA Games is another that have consistently provided BOTH PC and Mac (though sadly still not Linux) supported games.  Most famously, the Warcraft franchise from Blizzard and The Sims (1, 2, and 3--soon to be 4) all run a Mac client.  Having played these games on both platforms, I find the Mac platform to be more stable and graphics to be more flowing than with Windows.  Windows also has some amazing games--Everquest franchise anyone?  While it did at one time have an original Everquest Mac client, it no longer supports anything but Windows clients. 

In summary, I like all three of the different types of OSes.  Each has benefit and potential to be the best...though if I had to choose one to promote, it would be OSX.  Not for simplicity or ease of use, but for design and function.  I like that OSX  does not try to re-invent the wheel with every new release nor does it try to be anything more than what it is...a great Graphic User Interface that just works.  Microsoft could take some pointers from Mac in that respect and both could use a bit more open-source loving like Linux, but dollar for dollar, OSX wins for me.

Perception vs Reality

Many times in life, I have been challenged.  Not because I do not see the same things others see, but because I see those things differently.  Typically in any situation, you could ask 10 people to witness a scene and they will all remember something different.  Why is that?  I believe the answer lies in a person's past experience and what is important to them.  If a person sees a particular event, the things that are relateable to that individual are going to make the most of an impression to them and therefore make that the most memorable part to them.  That is not to say that their perspective is skewed or even incorrect.  Many times I have commented on perspective and reality...each person's perception is their reality, more specifically.  If ten people see a robbery, not one pair will have seen the same thing...Let's say Person A is an English teacher and the robber uses poor grammar...that teacher might have seen what he was wearing, but the fact that he had horrible grammar was most relateable to Person A and therefore Person A might only remember the grammar.  Person B might work in retail somewhere and see mismatched clothing and think "how could they leave the house like that?"  The same principal can pertain to how people react to situations rather than events.  Humans tend to look to their past for cues on how to react to situations and events.  We take learned biases, personal experience, shared experiences, and relayed reactions all into consideration before reacting.  We cannot form a frame of reference for something we have not experienced either directly or indirectly.  I personally have never been to the moon, but from relayed experiences I can assume that it is cold, airless, and very low gravity.  I have been to the desert and know that it gets really cold at night despite the extreme hot temperatures during the day.  These are all examples of my perspective.  They are real to me because I give them weight.  I believe that alien cultures could exist.  Does that mean that ET exists?  Not at all.  It merely means that according to my learned behaviors, relayed experiences, personal experiences, and maybe educational learning, that it would be unlikely that we would be the only beings in the universe.  Therefore, my reality says that existence of humanity in the universe cannot possibly be singular and that similarly intelligence is not unique to us.

I know I delved into a bit of rhetorical thinking, but it does prove the point.  As you are reading this, you are comparing my viewpoint with your learned behaviors, relayed experiences, personal experiences, and maybe educational learning to see whether we feel the same way about the material. 

I am a critical thinker.  You can tell me something all day long and truly believe it, but until I can validate the conjecture for myself through study, relayed experiences or personal experiences, I will treat the material as suspect.  That does not mean that the material is any less valid to you...just that in order for me to believe it, I need a bit of research and examination to draw a conclusion.

This is my perception of reality.