Realization

There comes a time in a man's life when he must accept that the time for love has passed.  That is not to say that I need to give up...not at all...just that I should not expect miracles.  I keep getting myself into situations where the other guy is much younger than me and he really digs me...but then our age difference comes out in odd ways...he likes to smoke a bit...I don't...he likes to stay up all night...I can't...he likes hard music...I like top 40/80's...the reason I guess that i keep falling into this trap is that younger guys have more in common with me than guys my own age...I have learned over time that 40+ guys tend to be glued to the grind...seems that they have lost their will for adventure and new things...they rarely have any interest in computers (this is a must as I am a major technocrat)...I need my games and my assortment of devices...I do not do this to fit in (or not as it were)...it is a real genuine interest...there is nothing that I like more than to wipe a computer and install Linux/Hackintosh or some other random operating system just to see if I can...when I get tired of it, I tend to my Macs...but as a result, I am finding myself in the middle somewhere...too old for the guys that I share some commonality with and too young (minded anyway) for the guys my age...so what do I do??  I don't exactly live in the most populated place in the state...if i were a skunk, moose, deer, or any other northeastern animal, I would be all set...

This how I come to the conclusion that  just need to forget about trying to meet anyone...it is pointless...the last time I let my heart control, I got hurt in a bad way...the boy loved me and I genuinely loved him...but he could not allow himself to be seen loving me...so, it ended...and my heart broke...I was a mess for literally a year...had no desire for anyone or anything...cried for him on a regular basis...I used to stalk him on Facebook just to see that he was ok...and then I would get depressed because he was and I was not...Eventually the emotion chilled and I could again listen to Adele without blubbering every time I heard her play...and then I lost my mom...begin round 2 of my emotional demise...she was my saviour and champion...she was the one I could tell anything and never get judged for it...even if she thought it was wrong...she was the reason I had for getting out of bed some days...then she died and left me alone...for a while I was bereft of emotion at all...more computer than man...I could not feel anything...oh I could be melancholy and moody...but never could close the deal...think of like sneezing...I could get the AH just fine, but never the CHOO...then I started coming out of my shell and started liking this other guy...of course he was also way too young for me...but that never stopped me before...he liked me as well from what I could tell...then somewhere things went wonky...I am not going to blame the whole failure on him...but I will say that if he would have asked me to come with him to the moon, I would have gone...but he did not...instead he kept comparing himself to the other boy...anyway...over time, he seemed to drift away and me being who I am, I did nothing to stop it...Oh I felt pain...just not as deeply...I am still mourning my mom and learning how to CHOO...

So yeah...here I am...alone in my room...like I always am...wondering how to get fulfillment in my life...wondering how to get happy...wondering how to love again...or if I even can take it again...so for now, I am closing up shop...no more emotions and no more feelings...going to put them all away and pretend that I am completely fulfilled with my computers and my games...