Undeserving...still

There once was this guy...he worked his butt off all his life to help his family.  One day, his father died and left him to deal with all of the emotional turmoil he left behind.  After a time, things calmed and life regained some sense of normalcy.  He still wasted his life helping others and making sure that all was good.  For a little while, he stepped away and decided to do something for himself.  The others stepped in and helped out during his hiatus.  Soon after he finished what he set out to do, he was summoned back to help out more.  Nevermind that the time was being used to better himself, he selflessly stepped back into the support role and put his own life on hold...again.  After a little while, he began to have issues dealing with life and his feelings of uselessness.  He entered a program that promised to help him learn to deal with stuff.  While in the program, he had a couple physical issues that rendered his little hiatus useless.  He began the arduous process of proving that the issues would prevent him from doing what his training led him to do.  Meanwhile, his mother began her spiral toward her eventual demise.  One day it happened.  She left.  He was left alone.  The one that put his life on hold so that everyone else was able to have a life was left alone.  Without the daily requirements of taking care of an ill person, his life became devoid of purpose.  He was left to fend for himself and rely on others for his upkeep.  The sad truth of it is that he hates depending on anyone for anything, but his own illnesses (both mental and physical) prevent him from being able to do anything about it.  Living this way, he has managed, getting ever more despondent and feeling ever more useless. 

It is said that actions speak louder than words, and that words can cut like a knife.  It is easy to say that one will be there to take care of another, and a completely different thing to have the fortitude to place one's life on hold and do it.  The story above is not only my story, but the story of many people in my age range.  Parents that were born in the boomer age, are now getting old, sick, and tired.  I was never asked to take the role of caregiver, I just felt it was my duty.  I wish sometimes that I had not been as honorable and tried to live a life.  Now I am getting older.  My body is not as pliant as it once was.  My emotions are out of control and I feel like I don't deserve anything.  I don't deserve to be happy...or to love someone...or to have friends...or to even exist anymore.  I feel like the old person left at the nursing home.  The one that spent his or her whole life taking care and sacrificing for their family that they did not get to live.  Now they sit and wait to die, their purpose completed.  I am not suicidal (my mother would come out of the grave and beat me bloody), but some days I wonder why I feel the way I do and if things would have been different had I been able to be who I was.  I guess I will never know, nor would it make any difference to anyone anyway.

The value of myself

Depression sucks.  It can make one feel like they are less of a person...an incomplete person...a person with so much baggage that they cannot envision themselves being worthy of anything or anyone.  Today, I am that person.  I know that I have a lot to offer a person in the way of relationship, but i cannot help but feel that pursuit of a relationship will be fruitless.  I have many issues, not all of them physical.  Depression is robbing me of my joy of life and desire to share my soul with another.  Despite the fact that I know these things, I still feel unworthy.

I hear people all the time telling me to suck it up...snap out of it...just think positive...but the truth of the matter is that when I am down, I am way down...when I am up, I am average.  Have you ever seen a biorhythm chart?  You notice that the lines cross the median and peak above the line and valley  below it?  My depression chart would look like a wave below the median with the best peak being even with the line and the lows very low.  Yeah I know that part of learning to cope with depression is accepting the mechanics of it and to not beat myself up about it, but some days it is hard to even find a reason to want to wake up.

I try to write about how I feel.  Sometimes it feels like I am complaining about how unfair my life is. That is not the case at all.  If anything, I feel like I do not deserve to be happy.  I am jealous of others that are able to open up their selves and show their warts, bruises, and imperfections.  I cannot.  It feels like all I am is warts, bruises and imperfections...no redeeming qualities at all...I know it is not true, but that is how I feel a lot of the time.

I am not looking for validation of my feelings either.  My feelings are my own.  Nobody has said or done anything to make me feel less wanted...I just feel like that.  There are so many things I yearn to do, but cannot find the desire or energy to begin.  I do not even feel like writing this, but I know that if I don't, it may cause me to fall deeper into my own despair.

I know that I am not alone in this.  I know that there are others out there that feel as I do.  I just want to let people know that I do understand.  I know what it is like to not feel worthy of drawing breath.  I live it every day.  If you ask me how I am, I will always answer "fine" even though I am not.

Dissecting <>ism in human culture

In a perfect world, a person would look at another person and just see a person--not a color, race, nationality, sexuality, or stereotype.  It is a sad truth that we are still using those terms to identify a person.  When we were young we were taught to identify objects via a unique trait.  The big red ball, tall green grass, the dusty chalkboard.  What was somehow skipped was being taught to not use that same method to identify people.  That Chinese over there, the black guy with the bandana, or the gay boy at the park.  Over time we have a become accustomed to this flawed methodology and even today it still causes problems.  

***For the remainder of this article, I will replace the negative generalizations with <>.  This is not to minimize the topic, but rather to prevent any one group from being singled out or any specific event occurring either now or in the past.***  

We hear in the news about this <> person being killed by this <> cop, or this <> man was attacked on the street by <> kids.  I think that the news people like to stir trouble.   When they are reporting on these stories, the tragedy is missed and overshadowed by the <> of the victims.  I realize that there are major cultural differences in the different regions of the US.  The <>isms are not exclusive to one <> or another.  All <> are guilty of discrimination.   Despite recent advances in balancing rights, there still exists an undertone of anxiety with regard to <>.  

Kids today are being taught differently than when I was young.  Today, a <> kid is just a kid.  We might finally be approaching a generation that identifies people not based on <>, but based on accomplishments or merit.  That is not to say that <>ism is gone, but at least it is shrinking and perhaps by the next generation...Y...or is it Z...anyway, they will likely not classify people by <>, but by how they are treated and teach by example.  

I mentioned earlier about news stories keeping things stirred up...I did not mention the positives--athletes, actors, musicians, and other television personalities coming out to embrace our differences.  People are realizing that none of <> matters.  What matters is what is in the heart and how we treat each other.  Some day...<> won't matter...and all we will be is people.

Blog about writing OR Get up and WRITE!

While sitting here listening to the crickets and cicada, it occurs to me that I have been neglecting my passion.  Not ignoring it, all out not even wanting to write.  I wonder if it is because of the weather, my pain levels, or just plain laziness.  Perhaps, because it is summer and wickedly hot and amazingly sticky, that the desire to do anything at all is too much to hope for.  At any rate, I decided tonight that I would try to write a post every night, even if it is nothing more than a minuscule rant such as this.  I once heard (maybe from a movie) that if you wake up in the morning and can think of nothing else, then that is what you are supposed to do.  I go to sleep, dream, wake up, and lumber through my day thinking of nothing but writing.  So why is it so hard to get going?

Thinking of my favorite author, Robert A Heinlein, I recall he had a thing about rules for writing.  One of those rules is you must write.  Though it seems rather simple, it is much harder to put into practice.  One must make time to write every day.  Write a blog, a short story, an idea, a poem...anything...just take an hour and write anything.  Even if it makes no sense to anyone but you...write.

Another of the rules said something about not rewriting except for editorial requirements.  This I like as when I write something, I write it as I want it, not as another would have me write.  I think even should I get a writing gig, I would have a hard time rewriting to someone else's requirements.  I would do it...not for the money, but for the opportunity to get my name and my work out for the world to see.

I cannot remember any of the others, but those two are really enough.  I will write for me and if it sells or is good or bad, I will own it and try harder to write something of substance next time.  I have another blog called paragraph a day project...perhaps I should dust it off and begin writing in it every day and save this blog for my personal thoughts and sharing ideas (ideals?)  At any rate, I look forward to any constructive criticism...that does not give you license to rip me apart...that might help me write better and tell a more compelling story.

Comments can be made here or can be emailed to me at xopherrei@icloud.com

Until tomorrow, Adieu!

integrity, honesty, and other valorous traits...

In the past couple of weeks, there have been numerous things did not work out as was planned.  I understand that sometimes things come up and plans that were committed to can fall by the wayside.  That is not to say I am getting discouraged...not at all.  I am just frustrated that some folks can make an agreement, sign documents, prepare for the transaction, then all of a sudden decide that it is not what they want at this time.  When plans are made and situations arranged for, it is nearly impossible to feel optimistic when things are as solid as quicksand.

I am not one of those folks that have to plan every second, but I have a hard time with change.  So when I have arranged and psyched myself into accepting a potential change, it is really hard to trust the next time.  For a person with anxiety and depression, it is hard to make changes to routine anyway, when you add the indecision and inconsistency of others, it can make life hard to live.

I can be spontaneous, but not when it comes to things that make me uncomfortable.  For example, I am not afraid to try new foods or try a new operating system, but if it comes down to my feeling of security, I can get panicky.  Some things are safe to try new, others not so much.  So for now, I am gonna sit on my hands, and hope that the next attempt at making a significant change goes according to plan, or at least not go so far awry that it causes me to have an anxiety attack or bout of depression.  

Optimism is easy to talk about, but hard to implement, especially for those with mental disorders such as depression and anxiety.  Be patient and try to follow through...if it is not possible, the earlier we know the better...

Xopher.

Expectations

Every person alive has expectations.  We expect a person to respond a certain way to certain situations.  Many times, because of expectations, we get mad when things do not go as expected.   Some folks have learned how to not expect anything and rarely get upset, though they are very much in the minority.  Sometimes these expectations get in the way of relationships.  Not just romantic relationships, but also friendships, sibling and other familial interactions, and even at work.  Expectations are a learned behavior.  We as humans, learn by example.  We learn how our families do things and throw those expectations into the mix which almost always causes a ruckus.  The key to living in society is to accept people as they are, not how you want them to be, and when there is a difference, try to learn why that difference is important to the other person.  It could be that Grandma taught someone how to make something a specific way, and yours did it differently.  There is no reason both situations cannot be correct.  Maybe it is a way of keeping the memory of Grandma alive to that person.  Even I am guilty of pushing my expectations on others.  I am a night person.  Others around me are very early morning people.  It is wrong of either to expect that everything has to be done either morning or night.  Why can't we compromise and try doing something in the middle...not too early and not too late?  There are also cultural differences that can influence expectations.  People that grew up in the northeast cook a specific way.  Their food tends to be richer and more carb based than other places.  In the south, there is a tendency toward eating more vegetables and lesser cuts of meat.  Seasonings tend to be more fatty and salty.  In the west, there is a heavy influence of Mexican culture.  Their food tends to be more spicy and utilize more staples than in other places.  Meat is important, but corn and beans are used very frequently in their cooking.  The point is, whether you grew up in the north, south, east, or west, there is not right or wrong way to prepare food.  I myself am influenced by all of them.  I like vegetables-read that as greens and beans-I love Mexican food, and I do like my soups prepared New England style.  I am just as guilty as the rest of imposing my expectations on others, especially with food.

If every person were to understand why we expect and how to compromise, the world would be a much better place.  We are all victims of our past.  The key is to recognize that each person is entitled to be who they are without being expected to conform to some other person's idea of normal.  America is built on every other culture in the world.  We do not have a native culture.  The culture of the USA is an amalgam of all the other cultures that are here, and their interactions toward one another.  It is not perfect.  We still have racism, sexism, and other social stigma to overcome, but as a whole, I thing we are moving the right direction if only we could get individuals to embrace differences and try to compromise more.

What a great time to be alive

For many years, I lived a lie to gain approval (which never happened).  So far in the last 11 years, we have gone from DOMA (defense of marriage act), DADT (don't ask don't tell), and a majority of states passing legislation declaring "marriage" as a union between one man and one woman, to marriage equality in all states and territories of the US.  Today, July 16, 2015, the EEOC (equal employment opportunity commission) declared that sexual orientation is blanketed into the Civil Rights Act 0f 1964.  I honestly do not understand why it was such a big deal.  Many religious folk try to quote the bible (small b on purpose) about man lying with man being a sin.  What they omit is the rest of the chapter where women are chattel and have no rights, eating of shellfish, wearing mixed clothing (cotton and wool together), and mixing of crops being sins, to name just a few points.  I am not here to beat down the religious.  I think religion has it's points, both good and bad.  What I am here to say, is why is it that something I do, in my bed, privately, should be a topic of your derision?  How am I interfering with your life by living mine?  You don't approve of same sex marriage? Don't marry a person of the same sex...your religious beliefs prevent you from accepting SSM?  By all means, find a career where you do not have to deal with gay folk...just remember that the next time you need flowers or decorating ideas.  All of the people stepping down from public jobs because they do not want to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples need to understand that in the US there is a separation of church and state.  This means that laws that are based on religious idealism are unconstitutional.  Marriage as we know it today, is a civil contract between 2 people that wish to share all of the rights and privileges given to married folk.  Gays do not want to force churches to marry them nor do we want to force businesses to deal with us.  Where we have an issue is when businesses open to the public refuse to serve us because we are gay.  In 1964, the Civil Rights Act was passed.  This gave protection to people with regard to color, race, religion, national origin, and sex.  Back in 1964, there were people quitting their government service jobs because of interracial marriage (Loving v. West Virginia).  A person serving in a governmental capacity, issuing marriage licenses, marrying people, or providing a public service, are obligated to perform the same service to all regardless.  I guess this too shall pass...in twenty years we will all be looking around wondering what all the fuss was about...the world did not end, marriage did not crumble, and the gates of hell did not open up.

Like those alive in the 60's, today is a great time to be alive.