The value of myself

Depression sucks.  It can make one feel like they are less of a person...an incomplete person...a person with so much baggage that they cannot envision themselves being worthy of anything or anyone.  Today, I am that person.  I know that I have a lot to offer a person in the way of relationship, but i cannot help but feel that pursuit of a relationship will be fruitless.  I have many issues, not all of them physical.  Depression is robbing me of my joy of life and desire to share my soul with another.  Despite the fact that I know these things, I still feel unworthy.

I hear people all the time telling me to suck it up...snap out of it...just think positive...but the truth of the matter is that when I am down, I am way down...when I am up, I am average.  Have you ever seen a biorhythm chart?  You notice that the lines cross the median and peak above the line and valley  below it?  My depression chart would look like a wave below the median with the best peak being even with the line and the lows very low.  Yeah I know that part of learning to cope with depression is accepting the mechanics of it and to not beat myself up about it, but some days it is hard to even find a reason to want to wake up.

I try to write about how I feel.  Sometimes it feels like I am complaining about how unfair my life is. That is not the case at all.  If anything, I feel like I do not deserve to be happy.  I am jealous of others that are able to open up their selves and show their warts, bruises, and imperfections.  I cannot.  It feels like all I am is warts, bruises and imperfections...no redeeming qualities at all...I know it is not true, but that is how I feel a lot of the time.

I am not looking for validation of my feelings either.  My feelings are my own.  Nobody has said or done anything to make me feel less wanted...I just feel like that.  There are so many things I yearn to do, but cannot find the desire or energy to begin.  I do not even feel like writing this, but I know that if I don't, it may cause me to fall deeper into my own despair.

I know that I am not alone in this.  I know that there are others out there that feel as I do.  I just want to let people know that I do understand.  I know what it is like to not feel worthy of drawing breath.  I live it every day.  If you ask me how I am, I will always answer "fine" even though I am not.