Blog about writing OR Get up and WRITE!

While sitting here listening to the crickets and cicada, it occurs to me that I have been neglecting my passion.  Not ignoring it, all out not even wanting to write.  I wonder if it is because of the weather, my pain levels, or just plain laziness.  Perhaps, because it is summer and wickedly hot and amazingly sticky, that the desire to do anything at all is too much to hope for.  At any rate, I decided tonight that I would try to write a post every night, even if it is nothing more than a minuscule rant such as this.  I once heard (maybe from a movie) that if you wake up in the morning and can think of nothing else, then that is what you are supposed to do.  I go to sleep, dream, wake up, and lumber through my day thinking of nothing but writing.  So why is it so hard to get going?

Thinking of my favorite author, Robert A Heinlein, I recall he had a thing about rules for writing.  One of those rules is you must write.  Though it seems rather simple, it is much harder to put into practice.  One must make time to write every day.  Write a blog, a short story, an idea, a poem...anything...just take an hour and write anything.  Even if it makes no sense to anyone but you...write.

Another of the rules said something about not rewriting except for editorial requirements.  This I like as when I write something, I write it as I want it, not as another would have me write.  I think even should I get a writing gig, I would have a hard time rewriting to someone else's requirements.  I would do it...not for the money, but for the opportunity to get my name and my work out for the world to see.

I cannot remember any of the others, but those two are really enough.  I will write for me and if it sells or is good or bad, I will own it and try harder to write something of substance next time.  I have another blog called paragraph a day project...perhaps I should dust it off and begin writing in it every day and save this blog for my personal thoughts and sharing ideas (ideals?)  At any rate, I look forward to any constructive criticism...that does not give you license to rip me apart...that might help me write better and tell a more compelling story.

Comments can be made here or can be emailed to me at xopherrei@icloud.com

Until tomorrow, Adieu!

integrity, honesty, and other valorous traits...

In the past couple of weeks, there have been numerous things did not work out as was planned.  I understand that sometimes things come up and plans that were committed to can fall by the wayside.  That is not to say I am getting discouraged...not at all.  I am just frustrated that some folks can make an agreement, sign documents, prepare for the transaction, then all of a sudden decide that it is not what they want at this time.  When plans are made and situations arranged for, it is nearly impossible to feel optimistic when things are as solid as quicksand.

I am not one of those folks that have to plan every second, but I have a hard time with change.  So when I have arranged and psyched myself into accepting a potential change, it is really hard to trust the next time.  For a person with anxiety and depression, it is hard to make changes to routine anyway, when you add the indecision and inconsistency of others, it can make life hard to live.

I can be spontaneous, but not when it comes to things that make me uncomfortable.  For example, I am not afraid to try new foods or try a new operating system, but if it comes down to my feeling of security, I can get panicky.  Some things are safe to try new, others not so much.  So for now, I am gonna sit on my hands, and hope that the next attempt at making a significant change goes according to plan, or at least not go so far awry that it causes me to have an anxiety attack or bout of depression.  

Optimism is easy to talk about, but hard to implement, especially for those with mental disorders such as depression and anxiety.  Be patient and try to follow through...if it is not possible, the earlier we know the better...

Xopher.

Expectations

Every person alive has expectations.  We expect a person to respond a certain way to certain situations.  Many times, because of expectations, we get mad when things do not go as expected.   Some folks have learned how to not expect anything and rarely get upset, though they are very much in the minority.  Sometimes these expectations get in the way of relationships.  Not just romantic relationships, but also friendships, sibling and other familial interactions, and even at work.  Expectations are a learned behavior.  We as humans, learn by example.  We learn how our families do things and throw those expectations into the mix which almost always causes a ruckus.  The key to living in society is to accept people as they are, not how you want them to be, and when there is a difference, try to learn why that difference is important to the other person.  It could be that Grandma taught someone how to make something a specific way, and yours did it differently.  There is no reason both situations cannot be correct.  Maybe it is a way of keeping the memory of Grandma alive to that person.  Even I am guilty of pushing my expectations on others.  I am a night person.  Others around me are very early morning people.  It is wrong of either to expect that everything has to be done either morning or night.  Why can't we compromise and try doing something in the middle...not too early and not too late?  There are also cultural differences that can influence expectations.  People that grew up in the northeast cook a specific way.  Their food tends to be richer and more carb based than other places.  In the south, there is a tendency toward eating more vegetables and lesser cuts of meat.  Seasonings tend to be more fatty and salty.  In the west, there is a heavy influence of Mexican culture.  Their food tends to be more spicy and utilize more staples than in other places.  Meat is important, but corn and beans are used very frequently in their cooking.  The point is, whether you grew up in the north, south, east, or west, there is not right or wrong way to prepare food.  I myself am influenced by all of them.  I like vegetables-read that as greens and beans-I love Mexican food, and I do like my soups prepared New England style.  I am just as guilty as the rest of imposing my expectations on others, especially with food.

If every person were to understand why we expect and how to compromise, the world would be a much better place.  We are all victims of our past.  The key is to recognize that each person is entitled to be who they are without being expected to conform to some other person's idea of normal.  America is built on every other culture in the world.  We do not have a native culture.  The culture of the USA is an amalgam of all the other cultures that are here, and their interactions toward one another.  It is not perfect.  We still have racism, sexism, and other social stigma to overcome, but as a whole, I thing we are moving the right direction if only we could get individuals to embrace differences and try to compromise more.

What a great time to be alive

For many years, I lived a lie to gain approval (which never happened).  So far in the last 11 years, we have gone from DOMA (defense of marriage act), DADT (don't ask don't tell), and a majority of states passing legislation declaring "marriage" as a union between one man and one woman, to marriage equality in all states and territories of the US.  Today, July 16, 2015, the EEOC (equal employment opportunity commission) declared that sexual orientation is blanketed into the Civil Rights Act 0f 1964.  I honestly do not understand why it was such a big deal.  Many religious folk try to quote the bible (small b on purpose) about man lying with man being a sin.  What they omit is the rest of the chapter where women are chattel and have no rights, eating of shellfish, wearing mixed clothing (cotton and wool together), and mixing of crops being sins, to name just a few points.  I am not here to beat down the religious.  I think religion has it's points, both good and bad.  What I am here to say, is why is it that something I do, in my bed, privately, should be a topic of your derision?  How am I interfering with your life by living mine?  You don't approve of same sex marriage? Don't marry a person of the same sex...your religious beliefs prevent you from accepting SSM?  By all means, find a career where you do not have to deal with gay folk...just remember that the next time you need flowers or decorating ideas.  All of the people stepping down from public jobs because they do not want to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples need to understand that in the US there is a separation of church and state.  This means that laws that are based on religious idealism are unconstitutional.  Marriage as we know it today, is a civil contract between 2 people that wish to share all of the rights and privileges given to married folk.  Gays do not want to force churches to marry them nor do we want to force businesses to deal with us.  Where we have an issue is when businesses open to the public refuse to serve us because we are gay.  In 1964, the Civil Rights Act was passed.  This gave protection to people with regard to color, race, religion, national origin, and sex.  Back in 1964, there were people quitting their government service jobs because of interracial marriage (Loving v. West Virginia).  A person serving in a governmental capacity, issuing marriage licenses, marrying people, or providing a public service, are obligated to perform the same service to all regardless.  I guess this too shall pass...in twenty years we will all be looking around wondering what all the fuss was about...the world did not end, marriage did not crumble, and the gates of hell did not open up.

Like those alive in the 60's, today is a great time to be alive.

Not Fair!

Why is it that the guys that I have cared about have moved on and into other relationships, while I am still alone and lonely?? 

I am a sweet guy...I have above average intelligence, a wide range of interests, a decent handle on tech, and I know my way around the bedroom.  So what is it that makes guys walk all over me then walk out?  Some of the excuses were wild...one guy was mad because I would not use him...his words...for things...apparently all of his other relationships were based on what he could provide...another told me I could never give him kids...and yet another thought he was in love with me, then got hooked up with a girl...and another though he loved me, but not as much as I loved him so he figured it was not fair to me...since when is it ok for other people to tell me what I want or how I want it?  I give because I want to...I share because I know what it is like to be isolated...I touch because I know what it is like to not be touched...

All I really want is someone that will be honest with me...that's it...if you don't feel it, don't say it today then walk away next week...I am not a mind reader...how can I know what you want unless you tell me?  I have intelligence...that does not mean I am psychic or can see the future...I have been told that I lack common sense when it comes to emotions...I don't take hints...I tend to see things in a larger image than most folks...that does not mean I don't care about small issues, but that I don't see them most of the time...just because I did not notice your haircut, does not mean I quit caring about you...just that I have other things on my mind and feel that it is your head, wear your hair like you like to, not for my preference.  I will love you regardless...

I guess I need to make out a character sheet with all my likes, dislikes, good points, and bad so that I can explain things from the beginning...before I invest my time into you or yours into me...

Sometimes I think Sheldon has it right when it comes to relationships...get it all written down and acknowledged before hand, so that if any questions arise in the future, I can point to our "friendship agreement" or "relationship agreement" so that there is no mistake.  Other times I envy people that wear their feelings...I cannot do that...I don't know how...all I know to to is write it down and try to explain why I seem cold and despondent about  this thing that means the world to you...it's not that I don't care...just that I don't know how I am supposed to feel about it or I really don't understand your excitement...am I really that different than everyone else??

Something is bothering me...

Over the last 40 years, I have found myself looking in the rearview mirror and wondering if it was all worth the sacrifice.  I gave up jobs, friends, boyfriends, and happiness to care for others in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I would not do it any differently were I given a do-over, but I can't help but wonder what my life would be like were I to have not given up these things and allowed myself to have a normal life.  Something tells me that it would not have been like I think, but rather it would make me a different person. 

I see people, every day, complaining about work, the bills, the car note, and their spouse.  They work so hard for things that really do not mean a thing.  Let me explain...Let's say "Bob" is married to "Susan" and has 2 kids...one each, boy and girl...Bob gets up at 4AM to get ready for work.  His wife also gets up at that time, because she too has to work.  Because they both work, they have to have 2 cars.  Their kids are not old enough for school yet, so, moms pay goes almost completely to child care.  Dad has to work 2 jobs just to earn enough to make the bills and have a little for saving.  Because the world is as it is, the cost of everything is rising faster than the income levels.  As a result, Dad will likely die young...50-65...of either a heart attack, or cirrhosis from alcoholism.  You see, he gets up so early and works so late, he has to have something to relax him enough to sleep.  If he is fortunate enough...most are not...to have a job that offers vacation, then he will have 2 weeks a year to get to know his kids enough to remember their names. 

I do not see the draw.  I mean, I believe folks should work for what they have, but not like this.  I know this is going to sound odd coming from me, but, I think that we should resort to the barter system.  It would work like this...there would be no money...debts would be goods or services owed to a local person for a good or service that you need.  For example, the pig farmer only grows pigs.  The vegetable farmer grows only vegetables.  So, the pig farmer would supply pork the the vegetable farmer and vice versa.  Everyone would have what they need to live, yet be able to feed their family and have relationships with them.  Sure, in the global economy it would have to be tweaked a bit.  But even then, it could be done.  People would get up in the morning and begin crafting something while teaching the kids to carry on after.  It would be a self sustaining society.  Arts and crafts would make a come back as everyone likes pretties in their life, whether is is a song, poem, sonnet, painting, or table.  Everything would have value.  Sure some folks would try to value their good or service higher than the others...it is human nature...but even human nature can be taught.   After a time, money would be forgotten and would hold no weight. 

Realistically, I know that will not happen for quite a while...unless there is an apocalypse...then who knows...until then, I will keep looking for things to change, and hope that mankind does not greed itself to death...

Not Sure

Today, I am irritated.  People talk AT me and wonder why I snap.  I am not so overly sensitive that I cannot have a conversation, yet invariably, when I do, I get irritated.  Some folk say that I never answer when talked AT...my response?  I did not know you were talking to me or I am thinking...see unlike many people today, I like to think about what I want to say, before I say something wrong or hurtful.  Yet it is always my fault when things go wonky.  I do not like to argue.  Simple.  I choose to not say anything and keep being annoyed inside, to prevent me from hurting someone's feelings because "I don't understand why you are upset."  I guess my priorities are different.  If I do not want to do X, I think about the argument that will come if I don't go...so I go and say nothing.  After a while, I want to be alone and think my way past the annoyance...then it becomes me being anti-social...and yet another argument.  So instead of me saying, No I do not want to do X, avoiding the annoyance, I instead go, get annoyed, want to be alone to decompress, and cause the very argument I was trying to avoid in the first place and on top of it all, I have my annoyance to boot. 

I know why I do it, just not how to make others around me aware of why I do it.  I hate owing anybody anything.  I have always been sufficient to meet my needs.  Now, I am not.  And I hate it.  So, out of a feeling of obligation, I feel like I have to go along with X, to avoid hurting anyone's feelings and feeling like I am ungrateful if I don't.  My patience is growing thin with this.  There are some days I just want to leave, not say a word to anyone, and just disappear.  Would it solve my problem?  Nope.  But I would have my dignity back.  I am feeling more obligated every day.  In turn, I am also feeling more ungrateful...which annoys me.  So no matter what I do, I am going to be annoyed.  I guess I will see what happens and hope I can make it past it without cracking up.  Until then, I am not sure....