Not Sure

Today, I am irritated.  People talk AT me and wonder why I snap.  I am not so overly sensitive that I cannot have a conversation, yet invariably, when I do, I get irritated.  Some folk say that I never answer when talked AT...my response?  I did not know you were talking to me or I am thinking...see unlike many people today, I like to think about what I want to say, before I say something wrong or hurtful.  Yet it is always my fault when things go wonky.  I do not like to argue.  Simple.  I choose to not say anything and keep being annoyed inside, to prevent me from hurting someone's feelings because "I don't understand why you are upset."  I guess my priorities are different.  If I do not want to do X, I think about the argument that will come if I don't go...so I go and say nothing.  After a while, I want to be alone and think my way past the annoyance...then it becomes me being anti-social...and yet another argument.  So instead of me saying, No I do not want to do X, avoiding the annoyance, I instead go, get annoyed, want to be alone to decompress, and cause the very argument I was trying to avoid in the first place and on top of it all, I have my annoyance to boot. 

I know why I do it, just not how to make others around me aware of why I do it.  I hate owing anybody anything.  I have always been sufficient to meet my needs.  Now, I am not.  And I hate it.  So, out of a feeling of obligation, I feel like I have to go along with X, to avoid hurting anyone's feelings and feeling like I am ungrateful if I don't.  My patience is growing thin with this.  There are some days I just want to leave, not say a word to anyone, and just disappear.  Would it solve my problem?  Nope.  But I would have my dignity back.  I am feeling more obligated every day.  In turn, I am also feeling more ungrateful...which annoys me.  So no matter what I do, I am going to be annoyed.  I guess I will see what happens and hope I can make it past it without cracking up.  Until then, I am not sure....